Okay, these assholes fall into two categories. The first pricks I’m referring to are these self-centered jackasses who insist on making a left turn after the light has turned red. Not only are they risking getting into an accident, they’re making me have to wait for their damn truck to get out of the way before I can go through the intersection. Fuck you guys. The second morons I’m talking about are these pinheads who want to make a left turn from the driveway but can’t seem to time it right. So they block traffic going the opposite direction while they wait for a clear spot to slip in. Not only is this illegal, it’s fucking annoying. These people should be forced to walk acrosss a busy freeway populated with only pissed off truckers on crack. Traffic-Blocking Left-Turners, you suck.

Did I just read that right? No, that can’t be right. Jews For Jesus? What the hell is that about? Make up your mind, people. Either Jesus is the messiah or he isn’t. Talk about indecisive. “I’m a Jew, but I’m not a Jew.” Congratulations, you’ve managed to piss off both the Christians and the Jews. Jews for Jesus, my ass. You guys suck.

From the moment you started sprouting breasts, you discovered the power you had over the opposite sex. You giggled to yourself at how easy it was to get what you wanted. All it took was a smile and a flutter of an eyelash. Later on, you added perfume and high heels to your arsenal. It must be fun to see what a simple hug can get a man to do. After all, it’s not like you promised them anything. Show a little cleavage. Display that belly button ring. Then watch them collapse at your feet. Foxy Firtatious Femmes, you suck.

I saw this white pick-up truck today with this bumper sticker on the back of its cab cover that read, “In Loving Memory of Maria Allisa Alonzo,” followed with her year of birth and the year of her untimely death. So what is this supposed to mean? Are you saying that you’re dedicating your stupid white pick-up to her memory? Or is she actually entombed in that tinted-window truck cab? Let the poor girl rest in peace, already. Or figure out a less tacky way to express your love. Bumper-Sticker Memorilizers, you suck.

All right, let me get this straight. By having extremely long nails, this means that you don’t do any manual labor? You’re basically advertising what a lazy bitch you are. I supposed I’d be impressed by this, if it wasn’t for the fact that you’re standing there waiting for the bus at 8 in the morning. So you obviously do work. You just apparently have to work, very, very carefully. Which I have to admit is quite amusing to watch. Long-Nailed “Ladies,” you suck.

Hey, man. Sorry to burst your bubble. But where do you get off acting better than me? Take a look in the mirror. You’re a fucking waiter! While I’m out with my friends at a nice restaurant, you’re running around trying to scrounge together my meal. Granted, you’re probably wiping your ass with it (I’ve seen Fight Club and I’ve read Kitchen Confidential). But the fact of the matter is, your job is to serve me. So get over yourself, you singer/actor wannabe, I don’t give a crap if you will be famous someday. Right now, you’re not. L.A. Waiters, you suck.

Every January, it’s the same scene: Hundreds of X-mas trees shoved in dumpsters, lying on sidewalks, left for whomever wants to take them away. The magic is gone. The novelty has warn off. There’s a pile of dried pine needles in the elevator. But does anybody care? No. They’ll get another tree this December, and another one the next. Treasure, then trash. Treasure, then trash. Has anybody ever heard of recycling? Or how ’bout saying fuck tradition and getting yourself a plastic tree? But X-mas just wouldn’t be X-mas without a real tree. Yeah, Santa Claus might see that plastic tree and say, “Fuck these assholes,” and shit down your chimney. Wake up, you selfish fucks. You suck.

I may just be old fashioned, but I don’t think a girl should be dressing up like a cheap whore until her age is at least in the double digits. Then again, I’m not a parent. Otherwise, I might understand how precious it is to see a 5 year old dressed up like Marylin Monroe singing “Happy Birthday, Mr. President.” Or to watch them parade around in strapless gowns with too much make-up on. So who’s sicker, the pedophiles that make up the audience or the parents that encourage their kids to sex it up? Trick question. They both suck.

Hey. That was a stop sign, jackass. Just because you don’t have a motor on your vehicle, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to ignore the laws of the road. What’s that? You’re preparing for the big race? Perhaps the middle of the city isn’t the best training grounds. Get on the right side of the street, you Greg Lemond-loving lunatic. And put a helmet on for crying out loud. Not that I give a shit if you crash and die. I just don’t want to pay the city to clean up the mess. Lawless Cyclists, you suck.

As a red blooded male, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate the growing popularity of the low-rise jean. The way the denim seems to mold itself to the nether regions almost borders on free pornography. Thank you. I appreciate the free show. Well, most of the shows, I mean. There are still some ladies out there who are a little too comfortable with their bodies. Comfortable to show them, but uncomfortable to keep them fit. I think you see where I’m going with this. So the question is, are you one of these women? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you find it extremely difficult to find low-rise jeans large enough for you?

2. When you back up, do immature boys make that high-pitched “beep, beep” sound?

3. Once your jeans are on, does any part of your body hang over the waistband?

If you answered “yes” to any of the previous questions, you are really ruining my day. Take your jeans off immediately and burn them. Then go out and find yourself a pair of nice, comfortable sweat pants. Otherwise, you suck.