Category Archives: Real Life

Haunted By My Past

So, there I am, standing in line at Trader Joe’s, when I turn around to make sure I didn’t forget anything. As my eyes are scanning the aisles, they catch the face of the guy standing behind me. He looks familiar. But I can’t place him. He has the same inquisitive look on his face, […]

Who Needs Friends When
You Have Ingenuity?

Living alone does have its drawbacks. I mean, the peace and quiet is nice. And the being able to do whatever you want is cool too. Oh, and not having anyone nagging you, that’s great. . . Huh? Oh, right, the drawbacks. Sorry. Sometimes it’s nice to have an extra person around the house. Especially […]

Don’t Let My Poor Eyesight Fool You

Somehow this myth got started that people who wear glasses are fucking geniuses. Well, I hate to break the news to ya, but it’s a load of crap. I’ve worn glasses most of my life, and I barely made it through high school. Really. I had to go to junior college just to build up […]

Why I Should Never Be A Parent

It seems like every time I mention to a girl that I’d be a horrible father, they always disagree with me. Well, I thought it would be best to illustrate my point with the following hypothetical scenario: So there I am, sitting in my big chair, reading the morning paper (because that’s what fathers do), […]

Non-Smoking Jacket

It’s not easy to find a good dry cleaner these days. Most of them are just bogus storefronts trying to pose as actual laundering facilities. In reality, all the actual cleaning is done miles away in giant warehouses, where immigrant workers are beaten into submission with recycled wire hangers. That’s why before I trust anyone […]

Oww Oww Oww

Before I bought my condo, I had to sign a document. It was a warning that the property I was interested in is very close to the airport. Duh. I’ve lived in this area before. I knew about the airplane noise. Frankly, it doesn’t bother me that much. Besides, our building is supposed to get […]

Lip Balm Memories

About a week ago, I decide that rather than purchase my usual herbal lip balm, I’d go old school and pick up a tube of ChapStick. We’re talking the original ChapStick: black tube, white type. A man’s lip balm, if there ever was one. It even applies in a manly way. It’s not smooth and […]

Hollywood Hates Me Too

Those of you who read my blog religiously are quite aware of my hatred for the city I currently reside in. You also need to get a life. Because while my blog may be amusing at times, it certainly is not material worth building a religion on. I’ll leave that to Mr. L. Ron Hubbard. […]

Don’t Lose Your Key

Here are a few words of advice: If you drive one of those cars with the fancy remotes built into the key, don’t lose your key. I usually have my key in the change pocket of my jeans. Well, somehow it fell out in my apartment complex. And knowing the type of people who live […]

Why I Hate This Fucking City

I spent my afternoon in Seal Beach celebrating my friend’s daughter’s birthday. Mind you, it’s not a short drive from Seal Beach to Hollywood, especially when there’s traffic. And, yes, there was traffic. Tons of fucking traffic. I was dying in the traffic. My ass was starting to get sore from lack of circulation. I […]