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Ultra Suspense Theater

Welcome to another episode of . . . Ultra-Suspense . . . Theater! Today’s story starts innocently enough with a small girl running through a forest. She’s wearing a backpack and seems to be afraid of something. But what? Why does she keep looking back? What is she running from? Is someone chasing her? Or […]

Laser Eye Surgery

Hey, are you sick of seeing things for what they are? Or maybe you’re just tired of everyone asking you to read road signs for them. Well, say goodbye to perfect vision and say hello to fucked-up eyes! Yes, with this amazing breakthrough surgery, you can go from 20/20 to 60/40. In a matter of […]

Penis Monologues

No doubt, you’ve heard of a play called The Vagina Monologues, where women of various ages express how they feel about their womanhood. But you’re probably not familiar with its male-casted equivalent, an off-broadway production that never quite caught on: The Penis Monologues: The curtain rises. Four men sit on metal folding chairs on a […]

A New Discovery

Yesterday, I turned on my TV and discovered that Tivo had recorded The Tonight Show with Jay Leno for me. This was a bit unusual, since I’m more of a Letterman fan. But Tivo doesn’t record things on a whim. There must’ve been a reason. And there was: I clicked through to find that Jay’s […]

New Year’s Resolutions

Every year we do it: We come up with these promises to make our life better, and so often we fail. Why? I don’t think it has anything to with our resolve. I just think we’re not being very realistic with our goals. So if you’d like to be more successful with your resolutions, consider […]

Cruelty

They left the sheathed carcasses out on the sidewalk, limbs pressing against the clouded plastic, suggesting that death had not completely set in. Nobody seemed to mind. They walked around the bags as if nothing was amiss. How they got there, nobody knew for sure. But this was not an isolated incident. One nearly had […]

Where’s Smivey?

Sorry, Smivey is not available at the moment. Actually, he’s available physically, but not emotionally. But that’s another story. To be honest, he’s just way too damn busy to bother with his blog right now. In case you haven’t noticed, he’s in the process of moving. And since the organization he’s donating to is arriving […]

A New Level

As you know, there are a lot of benefits that come with home ownership. And I just discovered a new one today: upscale junk mail. See, instead of your usual you-may-have-won bullshit, you get these plain white envelopes with scary words on them that say stuff like “Important Mortgage Information Enclosed” and “Financial Information Inside” […]

Your Own Crew

You know what I love are those really good reality shows. I’m not talking Survivor or Joe Millionaire. I mean the really good ones. Like Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, where they drive up and surprise someone at their home. I’m always amazed how the person in the house never notices all the commotion […]

Martha Stewart: Living (Behind Bars)

As many of you know, our beloved domestic goddess, Martha Stewart, has fallen upon hard times. She’s been found guilty of the ulitmate white-collar crime: insider trading. Bad girl. But rather than just have her hand slapped like every other celebrity in this great country of ours, Ms. Stewart will be spending some time in […]