Author Archives

I’m a copywriter. No, really. I actually get paid to write. Seriously. I kid you not.

The Real Vampire Diaries

November 6, 2011 Got bit by a vampire. This sucks. November 9, 2011 Wondering when I’ll start craving blood. Think I’ll hit up Pinkberry. November 11, 2011 Remember what I said about that blood thing? It’s finally started happening. The problem is, I always faint at the sight of blood. How fucked up is this? […]

Smivey Confessional #6

I turn on my voice recorder and walk into a popular European cafe. They have one of those long communal tables in the centre of the room. While the table is basically empty, I deliberately sit across from a guy eating an overpriced sandwich. He has several facial piercings, including one through his ear. I […]

How To Get A Lot of Retweets and Likes

While so many people try unsuccessfully to get their followers to retweet and “like” their posts, I’ve discovered a surefire method to guarantee success. Just follow these simple steps and you’ll be a social-media sensation. Step 1: Become famous. Are you currently famous? Great, you can move on to Step 2. If you’re not famous […]

Unclean

I’m not one to get involved with charities and activist groups. But there are some things that I simply can’t ignore. I’m referring to a particular brand of soap that’s been a household name for like hundreds of years—Ivory Soap. Sure, there’s nothing like it when it comes to giving my skin that youthful glow. […]

Proper Mosquito Elimination

I suppose you’re all wondering why my home was suddenly hit with a horrific mosquito infestation. And you’ll have to continue to wonder, ’cause I ain’t gonna tell ya. What I will do is share with you my incredible tips for getting rid of mosquitos and other flying insects—once and for all. You will need […]

How To Make An Edible Flower-Pot Cake

For this project, you’re gonna need one of those clay flower pots. Clean it out really well, since no one ever expected you to do something stupid like put food inside it. You’ll notice a hole in the bottom of your pot. That’s to let the water drain out when you overwater your plant, which […]

How I Became A Millionaire At Age 12

Hello, dear readers. Remember me? I haven’t had much to write about for a while, so I haven’t written anything. Anyhow, I just read this fascinating story about a boy who started off poor and managed to become a millionaire at age 14. Coincidentally, I started off my business in a similar way. I collected […]

The Art of Sensual Gum Massage

While many may associate sensual massage with the arms, legs, thighs, buttocks and boobies, there is an often overlooked area of the human body that is bursting with erogenous zones. I am speaking, of course, of the gums. Now to some of you who didn’t read the title of this blog entry, this may come […]

That Stage

I’ve come to that stage in my life where I just want to buy a small house with a lawn. Not that I love lawns. I just have this incredible urge to yell at kids to stay the hell off my lawn. But first I need a lawn. Otherwise, I would just look insane.

Scary Christmas

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. With the kids jingle-belling and everyone telling you “be of good cheer” Now wait just a damn second. Look, I know this song is a holiday classic, but the lyrics are pretty half-assed, don’t you think? Kids jingle-belling? Really? What exactly does that look like? Does he […]