I suppose you’re all wondering why my home was suddenly hit with a horrific mosquito infestation. And you’ll have to continue to wonder, ’cause I ain’t gonna tell ya. What I will do is share with you my incredible tips for getting rid of mosquitos and other flying insects—once and for all.
You will need the following:
- 18 1.5 litre plastic bottles of cheap soda (or really bad iced tea)
- 1 buttload of sugar
- 18 packets of baker’s yeast (I make my own)
- 1 badass utility knife
- 2-3 rolls of duct tape or duck tape, if you don’t mind what they do to those poor little ducks to make it
- 18 sheets of black construction paper—sans glitter
- 1 small 1/72-scale diorama of a medieval village
- 1 teeny-tiny saw
- 4 very small sticks
STEP 1: Drink all the soda—or shitty iced tea— and then rinse out the bottles with hot water and very cold soap.
STEP 2: Pee for, like, an hour or so, since you just drank over 18 litres of liquid.
STEP 3; Use your badass utility knife to cut off the top of all 18 bottles, using the top edge of the label as a guide. Whatever you do, do not throw away those tops. Did you throw them away? You did? What did I just tell you 10 seconds ago? That’s right. Don’t throw away the tops! Now, go dig those things out of the trash and pay more attention!
STEP 4: Get out one of those big spaghetti pots that no one really uses for spaghetti and fill it up with water. Put it on the burner and bring the pot to a boil. Why do people say “bring the pot to a boil”? If you brought the actual pot to a boil, it would have to be hot enough to turn into a liquid, and I don’t think any stove can achieve that kind of temperature. For the record, I meant bring the water to a boil, which is much easier to do. Also, feel free to watch the pot as it boils, because it will boil, whether you watch it or not.
STEP 5: After your pot of water has come to a boil, pour in your buttload of sugar. Not a box. Not a case. A buttload. When you put in some sugar and you think it’s too much, put in more. That’s a buttload. Once you’ve got a bunch of sugar in there, stir that shit up with a gigantic wooden spoon. If you don’t have a giant wooden spoon, visit any elderly woman and you’ll probably find one displayed on her kitchen wall as decor. Once you’re done stirring, you’ll have what they call a simple syrup. It smells delicious, but don’t taste it. You’ll end up drinking the whole thing and then you’ll have to go back to Step 4.
STEP 6: Assuming you haven’t made yourself sick from drinking all that simple syrup, let the syrup cool for a while then pour it into the bottom halves of the cut soda bottles, up to about the half-way mark. If you have any left over, you can drink it. Next, drop a packet of yeast into each bottle. I find it helps if you remove the yeast from the packet before dropping it into the syrup, but to each their own.
STEP 7: Now comes the hard part. Remember those tops of the bottles I told you not to throw away? Get those. Place one of the tops—inverted—on top of the bottle, so it’s like a funnel, then tape it securely to the bottle. Do this 17 more times. That’s one time for each of the other bottles, in case you’re an idiot.
STEP 8: Next, you’re gonna want to wrap that black construction paper around the bottle and tape it down. Boom, you’ve got a motherfuckin’ mosquito trap. Repeat this step 17 more times with the other bottles, then place these badass traps all around your home. Outside. Inside. Wherever you want.
STEP 9: And now you wait. After a few days, you won’t see as many mosquitos. That’s because most of the little fuckers are drowning in that delicious simple syrup you made for them.
STEP 10: Dig out a couple mosquitos from one of the traps and leave them out to dry.
STEP 11: After a day, your mosquitos should be sufficiently dried out and you can proceed to use the tiny saw to saw their little mosquito heads off. What? No, I’m not crazy. You want to get rid of these damn mosquitos, don’t you? Then saw those heads off and sheddap!
STEP 12: Wow, you really sawed those mosquitos’ heads off? Do you do anything anyone tells you to do? Ha! No, I’m just kidding. You’re gonna need those heads. I guess I should have told you that earlier. So, if you threw the heads away, go ahead and fish another two mosquitos out of the sludge and dry them out, saw their heads off, etc. Ready? OK, get out that diorama of a medieval town. Is it 1/72 scale? Great. Place it on a tabletop somewhere and get ready for Step 13. Here it comes …
STEP 13: Take one of those tiny sticks and very carefully place a mosquito head on it, then carefully place the sticks in the centre of your medieval town. If you purchased the town at the right scale, the heads should be the perfect size to create the effect you want. If your diorama is at a larger scale, your mosquito heads on stakes will look ridiculous. Be sure to replace the heads every week, or whenever they blow away, which they tend to do.
And that’s it. Once the remaining mosquitos see what happened to their fallen brethren, they’ll pass the word along to the others, and you’ll never be bothered by mosquitos—or any other flying insect—again. You’re welcome.
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