I’m a busy man. I don’t have time to Google stupid poems and paste them into my blog. Instead, I have chosen to type up a holiday classic as best as I can recall it:
‘Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house,
not creature was stirring,
not even a mouse
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds,
while visions of sugar plums
danced in their heads.
and ma in her kerchief
and I in my cap
had just settled down
for a long winter’s nap
When all of the sudden,
there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed
to see what was the matter
Over to the window,
I ran with a dash
pulled open the shutters,
tore down the sash
Uhhhhh
When what to my wondering
eyes did appear,
but a miniature sleigh
and eight tiny reindeer.
OK, hang on. See, the reindeer weren’t really tiny. They just looked small because they were so high in the sky.
Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe this is a story about a very small Santa and his minuscule reindeer. If that’s the case, what kind of toys would he bring for the kids? You can forget about train sets or dolls. Poor little fella wouldn’t be able to handle such weight. Maybe he could lug some socks down the chimney or one of those friendship bracelets. Other than that, you’re kind of shit out of luck when it comes to the mini Santa and his eight little reindeer.
Oh, right. Then there’s that part about the reindeer names:
On Dasher, on Dancer,
on Donner, on Bitzen,
on Comet and Cupid
and Something and Something
Come to think of it, perhaps all the toys were scaled down for him. So when Billy wakes up, he would find a really, really small train set under the tree. Most likely, he’d step on it and get it lodged in his foot. Then ma in her kerchief would have to get out the tweezers and attempt to pull the train out of Billy’s foot, while Sally attempted to dress a doll no larger than her pinkie nail.
Man, I sure hope it was just a perspective thing and it wasn’t really a tiny Santa.
From the top of the something
to the top of the wall,
dash away, dash away,
dash away all
Hang on a minute. The story just refers to a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer, right? Maybe Santa was full size, but his sleigh and reindeer were really small. Wow, that would be one fucked up image. Poor little reindeer, having to pull this huge tub of lard around the world in an itty bitty sleigh. And for what? The sleigh is still small, so it’s not like he could fit any good toys in there. How hard is it to build a normal sleigh and get some regular sized reindeer? Don’t be such a dick, Santa. It’s Christmas.
Sorry, where was I? Uhhhhh hmmm
Placing a finger
inside of his nose,
he gave me a wink
and up the chimney he rose.
And I heard him exclaim
as he drove out of sight. . .
Yeah, whatever, you know the rest. Good night.
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