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Dining At ???

Plenty of restaurants in L.A. claim to be exclusive: no sign on the door, no address, an unlisted number. But the fact is, if you know someone who’s been there, you really won’t have any trouble finding the place. That’s not the case with ???. Not only do I not know where it is, I have no idea how I got there.

Seriously, all I can remember is answering the door and some guy spraying a melon-scented mist in my face. The next thing I knew, I was dining on what I have to assume was the most delicious seafood I’ve ever tasted. I’m really not sure. That’s because at ???, you eat in complete darkness—while wearing a blindfold. I guess they don’t like to take any chances.

OK, I know what you’re thinking: If you’re blindfolded, how do you manage to feed yourself? Good question. You don’t. Each diner is assigned a personal feeder. How do the feeders see the food? Uh, I guess they use a pair of night-vision goggles or something.

In any case, very few words are allowed to be exchanged between you and your feeder. For instance, you might hear the words “Item 1” before you experience an incredibly fresh mango salsa. If you want more of something, you have to refer to it by its number, followed by the word “please,” e.g., “More item 5, please.” Just don’t get too chatty. If you break the rules, they might suddenly pinch your nose or flick your earlobe. Or worse.

Judging from the acoustics, I believe I was in some kind of private room. Not huge, mind you. Possibly a closet. Maybe even my closet. Who knows. The fact is, I couldn’t hear any other people blurting out item numbers or yelping in pain from having their noses pinched or earlobes flicked.

Yes, the rules take some getting used to. But trust me, the cuisine at ??? is well worth it. Which brings us to the price. I don’t really recall paying for anything. But when I went online to check my bank records the next day, I had a new charge on my account for $2,523 from “Uncle Jeb’s Good Ol’ Fashioned Dildo Emporium. Now that’s either a buttload of new dildos (pardon my choice of words) or one incredibly delicious meal.

UPDATE: Turns out that charge was for a lot of dildos. I guess while I was still groggy from whatever drug they put in my dessert (an Asian Pear Tart?), I got online and made some purchases that I would later regret. What’s worse, this package required a signature. And since I wasn’t at home, my neighbor signed for it. Right there on the mailing label were the words “Uncle Jeb’s Good Ol’ Fashioned Dildo Emporium. We’ll fix ya up real good.” Oh, and one more thing: a couple of days later, a charge for $583 appeared on my statement. The description simply read, “A Restaurant.” Yeah.

So in conclusion, the ??? restaurant: Good food, bad drugs.

Oh, and if you happen to be shopping for a new dildo (and who isn’t?), you’ll find over one hundred of them on eBay right now, still sealed in their original packages. Cheap.

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