11:38 PM: I pull into the parking lot of the Taco Bell/KFC on Lincoln and Manchester, turn on my tape recorder and approach the drive-thru intercom:
INTERCOM: Good evening. Welcome to Taco Bell KFC. May I take your order?
ME: Yes, I’d like a Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito, a Crunchwrap Supreme, some Homestyle Biscuits and a small Mashed Potatoes & Gravy.
INTERCOM: OK, that’s a Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito, a Crunchwrap Supreme, some Homestyle Biscuits and a small Mashed Potatoes & Gravy. Will that be all?
ME: Actually, there is one more thing. . . I watch QVC.
INTERCOM: I’m sorry, was that a quesadilla?
ME: No, I said I watch QVC.
INTERCOM: Uh huh. Please pull forward.
ME: No, you don’t get it. I’m not the kind of guy you’d normally think would watch a shopping channel. I have a full-time job and a pretty decent sense of style. Of course, I’m not saying that all people who watch QVC are unemployed and lack taste, although it’s certainly true for most.
INTERCOM: Sir, please pull forward.
ME: You know what’s even worse? I’ve actually purchased things that I’ve seen on TV.
INTERCOM: *sigh* Hey, do you want this food or not?
ME: I even have those Space Bags. You know the ones that you stick stuff in and suck out the air with a vacuum cleaner? They’re sitting in my closet. I’ve actually used them. I also have one of those mops that vacuums up the water for you. Doesn’t work that well.
A horn honks behind me.
INTERCOM: Dude, just get out of here!
ME: Anyhow, my latest purchase was this thing called a Toss ‘N’ Chop. Basically, it’s a pair of scissors with two sets of blades. To make chopped salad, you simply stick the device into a bowl of lettuce and whatnot and squeeze away. The handle is spring-loaded, so little effort is required.
The horn continues to honk, followed by several other horns.
INTERCOM: Look, I’m not allowed to leave the restaurant after 11. But if I could, I would come out there and shove your Chalupa so far up your nose, your brain would have sour cream on it.
ME: I didn’t order a Chalupa.
INTERCOM: PULL THE FUCK FORWARD!
ME: In a minute. See, the problem is. I’ve had this Toss ‘N’ Chop since Christmas and I’ve never used it once. Not even once. I mean, you’d think that in that much time, I might have taken it out to see how it works. But no, it just sits in my drawer untouched. Honestly, I don’t even like chopped salad.
I glance in my rearview mirror and see three guys wearing baseball caps approaching my vehicle.
INTERCOM: I don’t get paid enough for this.
ME: You know what else is strange? I don’t even know what QVC stands for. I mean, HSN is easy: Home Shopping Network. But QVC? Not a clue.
A guy wearing a baseball cap leans into my window.
GUY: Hey, man, do we have a problem here?
ME: Several. But I’m working them out.
GUY: Dude, I’m fucking famished. Why don’t you go work it out at Mickey D’s or somethin’?
ME: Mickey D’s?
GUY: McDonald’s, man!
ME: You call McDonald’s Mickey D’s?
GUY: Everyone does!
ME: I don’t.
The guy reaches in and grabs me by the throat.
GUY: Look, I’m trying to be nice about this. Me and my buddies here want some fucking tacos.
ME: Ack.
GUY: Now, let’s try this again. When I let go, all you gotta do is drive the fuck away. You got that?
I nod as best as I can with a hand squeezing my voicebox.
GUY: Good. OK, I’m gonna let go now.
Face turning blue, I nod again. His hand finally releases my throat and I gasp for air.
ME (panting): OK. . . Can I at least get my food?
GUY: That’s not part of the deal, man.
ME: C’mon, not even a bean burrito?
GUY: Dude, you’re pushing it.
ME: Hm. . .
I look at him and his ears are totally red.
GUY: Just get the fuck out of here, dude!
ME: OK, OK, I’m going. But before I do, can I just ask you one quick question?
GUY: *sigh* What?!
ME: Have you ever watched QVC?
The next thing I know, I’m waking up in my car with beans, rice and cheese smeared all over the dashboard, mashed potatoes and gravy in my hair and a Chalupa shoved halfway up my left nostril. As you can imagine, I wasn’t happy. How many times do I have to tell that asshole I didn’t order a fucking Chalupa?
they’re more tolerant at el pollo loco. you should go there next time.
Thanks, Bob. I think most of the El Pollo Locos have a Tastee Freeze now. There’s nothing quite like the taste of a burrito and soft-serve ice cream.
I never left a comment last week. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!
I thought this was cute. You rambling on about stuff and the girl getting frustrated. Are you gonna make a sitcom out of this? Or make a short comdey. Then you’ll be nominated for an award for best new comedic writer.
You’re good, Smivey. You’re good.
You act as if this never happened, Lani. Why would I make something like this up? Nevertheless, I’m glad you found my agony amusing.
I prefer dramadey!
Yeah, what DOES “QVC” stand for?? I can’t imagine you actually buying their products, though. …I’ll admit that I bought some space bags for my trip to France–but only because I wanted to fit everything in one suitcase and I was so close to making it. Shut up. I didn’t order them from TV, though, so I’m not a loser.
Love your stuff, as always.
(Interpret “stuff” as you will.)
Quality.
Value.
Convenience.
Ahhhh, of course. Thank you.
QVC should offer home deliveries of Taco Bell/KFC. Then innocent victims like you wouldn’t have to suffer being beaten to a pulp like that just for being a tad chatty. Geez louise. What ever happened to good old fashioned hospitality?
Tell me about it. To this day, everything still smells like Chalupa.
What does QVC stand for?
Quality Value Convenience
i suggest next time, you pull around the block and up again. i’ve done that at a KFC before after i ordered some turkey. ask for turkey twice? they sure don’t like that much.
Hey, now there’s an idea! Thanks, deep!
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