Smivey Confessional #92

11:38 PM: I pull into the parking lot of the Taco Bell/KFC on Lincoln and Manchester, turn on my tape recorder and approach the drive-thru intercom:

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INTERCOM: Good evening. Welcome to Taco Bell KFC. May I take your order?

ME: Yes, I’d like a Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito, a Crunchwrap Supreme, some Homestyle Biscuits and a small Mashed Potatoes & Gravy.

INTERCOM: OK, that’s a Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito, a Crunchwrap Supreme, some Homestyle Biscuits and a small Mashed Potatoes & Gravy. Will that be all?

ME: Actually, there is one more thing. . . I watch QVC.

INTERCOM: I’m sorry, was that a quesadilla?

ME: No, I said I watch QVC.

INTERCOM: Uh huh. Please pull forward.

ME: No, you don’t get it. I’m not the kind of guy you’d normally think would watch a shopping channel. I have a full-time job and a pretty decent sense of style. Of course, I’m not saying that all people who watch QVC are unemployed and lack taste, although it’s certainly true for most.

INTERCOM: Sir, please pull forward.

ME: You know what’s even worse? I’ve actually purchased things that I’ve seen on TV.

INTERCOM: *sigh* Hey, do you want this food or not?

ME: I even have those Space Bags. You know the ones that you stick stuff in and suck out the air with a vacuum cleaner? They’re sitting in my closet. I’ve actually used them. I also have one of those mops that vacuums up the water for you. Doesn’t work that well.

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A horn honks behind me.

INTERCOM: Dude, just get out of here!

ME: Anyhow, my latest purchase was this thing called a Toss ‘N’ Chop. Basically, it’s a pair of scissors with two sets of blades. To make chopped salad, you simply stick the device into a bowl of lettuce and whatnot and squeeze away. The handle is spring-loaded, so little effort is required.

The horn continues to honk, followed by several other horns.

INTERCOM: Look, I’m not allowed to leave the restaurant after 11. But if I could, I would come out there and shove your Chalupa so far up your nose, your brain would have sour cream on it.

ME: I didn’t order a Chalupa.

INTERCOM: PULL THE FUCK FORWARD!

ME: In a minute. See, the problem is. I’ve had this Toss ‘N’ Chop since Christmas and I’ve never used it once. Not even once. I mean, you’d think that in that much time, I might have taken it out to see how it works. But no, it just sits in my drawer untouched. Honestly, I don’t even like chopped salad.

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I glance in my rearview mirror and see three guys wearing baseball caps approaching my vehicle.

INTERCOM: I don’t get paid enough for this.

ME: You know what else is strange? I don’t even know what QVC stands for. I mean, HSN is easy: Home Shopping Network. But QVC? Not a clue.

A guy wearing a baseball cap leans into my window.

GUY: Hey, man, do we have a problem here?

ME: Several. But I’m working them out.

GUY: Dude, I’m fucking famished. Why don’t you go work it out at Mickey D’s or somethin’?

ME: Mickey D’s?

GUY: McDonald’s, man!

ME: You call McDonald’s Mickey D’s?

GUY: Everyone does!

ME: I don’t.

The guy reaches in and grabs me by the throat.

GUY: Look, I’m trying to be nice about this. Me and my buddies here want some fucking tacos.

ME: Ack.

GUY: Now, let’s try this again. When I let go, all you gotta do is drive the fuck away. You got that?

I nod as best as I can with a hand squeezing my voicebox.

GUY: Good. OK, I’m gonna let go now.

Face turning blue, I nod again. His hand finally releases my throat and I gasp for air.

ME (panting): OK. . . Can I at least get my food?

GUY: That’s not part of the deal, man.

ME: C’mon, not even a bean burrito?

GUY: Dude, you’re pushing it.

ME: Hm. . .

I look at him and his ears are totally red.

GUY: Just get the fuck out of here, dude!

ME: OK, OK, I’m going. But before I do, can I just ask you one quick question?

GUY: *sigh* What?!

ME: Have you ever watched QVC?

The next thing I know, I’m waking up in my car with beans, rice and cheese smeared all over the dashboard, mashed potatoes and gravy in my hair and a Chalupa shoved halfway up my left nostril. As you can imagine, I wasn’t happy. How many times do I have to tell that asshole I didn’t order a fucking Chalupa?

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Comments 14

  1. bob wrote:

    they’re more tolerant at el pollo loco. you should go there next time.

    Posted 16 Jul 2006 at 12:02 pm
  2. Smivey wrote:

    Thanks, Bob. I think most of the El Pollo Locos have a Tastee Freeze now. There’s nothing quite like the taste of a burrito and soft-serve ice cream.

    Posted 16 Jul 2006 at 12:06 pm
  3. Lani wrote:

    I never left a comment last week. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!

    I thought this was cute. You rambling on about stuff and the girl getting frustrated. Are you gonna make a sitcom out of this? Or make a short comdey. Then you’ll be nominated for an award for best new comedic writer.

    You’re good, Smivey. You’re good.

    Posted 17 Jul 2006 at 6:28 am
  4. Smivey wrote:

    You act as if this never happened, Lani. Why would I make something like this up? Nevertheless, I’m glad you found my agony amusing.

    Posted 17 Jul 2006 at 6:32 am
  5. knitgirl wrote:

    I prefer dramadey!

    Posted 22 Jul 2006 at 1:45 pm
  6. boredhousewife wrote:

    Yeah, what DOES “QVC” stand for?? I can’t imagine you actually buying their products, though. …I’ll admit that I bought some space bags for my trip to France–but only because I wanted to fit everything in one suitcase and I was so close to making it. Shut up. I didn’t order them from TV, though, so I’m not a loser.

    Love your stuff, as always.

    (Interpret “stuff” as you will.)

    Posted 23 Jul 2006 at 8:26 pm
  7. jules bianchi wrote:

    Quality.
    Value.
    Convenience.

    Posted 24 Oct 2006 at 1:38 pm
  8. Smivey wrote:

    Ahhhh, of course. Thank you.

    Posted 04 Nov 2006 at 9:42 pm
  9. C.S.D. wrote:

    QVC should offer home deliveries of Taco Bell/KFC. Then innocent victims like you wouldn’t have to suffer being beaten to a pulp like that just for being a tad chatty. Geez louise. What ever happened to good old fashioned hospitality?

    Posted 24 Nov 2006 at 2:01 pm
  10. Smivey wrote:

    Tell me about it. To this day, everything still smells like Chalupa.

    Posted 24 Nov 2006 at 2:04 pm
  11. Shawn wrote:

    What does QVC stand for?

    Posted 23 Feb 2007 at 8:58 am
  12. Smivey wrote:

    Quality Value Convenience

    Posted 23 Feb 2007 at 9:14 am
  13. deep wrote:

    i suggest next time, you pull around the block and up again. i’ve done that at a KFC before after i ordered some turkey. ask for turkey twice? they sure don’t like that much.

    Posted 15 Apr 2007 at 11:06 pm
  14. Smivey wrote:

    Hey, now there’s an idea! Thanks, deep!

    Posted 16 Apr 2007 at 5:50 am

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