OK, I’m about to give up on this whole Match.com bullshit. They claim they can help you find that special someone. But since I’ve joined, not one woman has shown any interest. My friends tell me it takes time for people to notice you on the site. I guess they’re right. After all, it has only been about ten months. In any case, in lieu of an actual blog entry this week, I’ve decided to post part of my profile to see if anyone has any suggestions. Thanks for your help.
About me and what I’m looking for:
I believe a woman should stay at home and be barefoot. Not barefoot and pregnant. Just barefoot. I don’t like shoes and I don’t like kids. I also think that a sense of humour is important. Therefore, my ideal match should have a good idea of what is funny, without actually laughing. I find the sight of a woman laughing to be physically repulsive. Besides, there is too much potential for snorting, which is an instant deal-breaker.
When it comes to fashion, you can pretty much wear whatever you want. All I ask is that you avoid any cotton or cotton blends. Also, I will not be seen with anyone who shops at The Gap or Old Navy. Keep in mind, you do not actually have to be wearing clothing from these stores to turn me off. Just the mere thought of bargain attire littering your closet makes me cringe.
As far as perfume goes, anything with a floral scent will immediately cause me to break out in hives. Citrus smells can be refreshing, provided they are not derived from orange, lemon, lime or grapefruit. Tangerine is OK.
Also, you must love dogs. You should believe that of all the domesticated animals, dogs have the most to offer. Of course, of all the wild animals, monkeys have the most to offer. I mean, it’s a fucking monkey, right? You should be one of these people who babies her dog to the point where people question your sanity. All I ask is that you keep your fucking mutt away from me. I’m very allergic.
In any case, I’m just a simple man who doesn’t require much. So if you hate cotton and don’t own any shoes, we may have a future together, assuming you fit the rest of my criterea. For a free copy of my five-page document entitled The Woman I Seek, all you have to do is deciper this simple code: 6hy23s9H87GT. Hint: the capital H is actually a lowercase h. Thank you for your time. And good luck.
48 Comments