OK, I’m about to give up on this whole Match.com bullshit. They claim they can help you find that special someone. But since I’ve joined, not one woman has shown any interest. My friends tell me it takes time for people to notice you on the site. I guess they’re right. After all, it has only been about ten months. In any case, in lieu of an actual blog entry this week, I’ve decided to post part of my profile to see if anyone has any suggestions. Thanks for your help.
About me and what I’m looking for:
I believe a woman should stay at home and be barefoot. Not barefoot and pregnant. Just barefoot. I don’t like shoes and I don’t like kids. I also think that a sense of humour is important. Therefore, my ideal match should have a good idea of what is funny, without actually laughing. I find the sight of a woman laughing to be physically repulsive. Besides, there is too much potential for snorting, which is an instant deal-breaker.
When it comes to fashion, you can pretty much wear whatever you want. All I ask is that you avoid any cotton or cotton blends. Also, I will not be seen with anyone who shops at The Gap or Old Navy. Keep in mind, you do not actually have to be wearing clothing from these stores to turn me off. Just the mere thought of bargain attire littering your closet makes me cringe.
As far as perfume goes, anything with a floral scent will immediately cause me to break out in hives. Citrus smells can be refreshing, provided they are not derived from orange, lemon, lime or grapefruit. Tangerine is OK.
Also, you must love dogs. You should believe that of all the domesticated animals, dogs have the most to offer. Of course, of all the wild animals, monkeys have the most to offer. I mean, it’s a fucking monkey, right? You should be one of these people who babies her dog to the point where people question your sanity. All I ask is that you keep your fucking mutt away from me. I’m very allergic.
In any case, I’m just a simple man who doesn’t require much. So if you hate cotton and don’t own any shoes, we may have a future together, assuming you fit the rest of my criterea. For a free copy of my five-page document entitled The Woman I Seek, all you have to do is deciper this simple code: 6hy23s9H87GT. Hint: the capital H is actually a lowercase h. Thank you for your time. And good luck.
not into combat boots? too bad, bleh.
*snort*
(ps. it’s not nice to lie and say it’s a deal breaker… i know you think it’s sexy)
:p
OK, maybe I lied a little about the snorting. But everyone lies on these things, don’t they?
You could be the new Sedaris, but that might require putting all this great stuff into a book…
You could be the new Sedaris, but that might require being gay…
Yes, Sedaris is a big influence of mine. Minus the gay part.
Well, with the NEW Sedaris I meant Smivey is a great writer using keen observation and sarcasm and other techniques I can’t think of right now (otherwise I might be a better writer). Sedaris is not funny because he’s gay. Otherwise all gays would be funny, right?
Are we reaching the double digit comment count yet?
Ohhhh is that what you meant? I thought you meant I sounded gay. Well, I’m glad that’s all cleared up. OK, moving on.
Hey, does this come with a free tote bag??
Is the Old Navy thing really a “deal breaker”(thank you Dr. Phil) b/c I gotta say besides their inconsiderate use of the word baby, they do have cute stuff at a good price. Awww fuck! It is all cotton though.
NO, I don’t work for Old Navy.
Yes, Jill, I’m afraid it is a deal-breaker. Do you work at The Gap?
Posh! The Gap!!! I am offended!
They have, like, 2 shirts. And they both cost $52.99.
In all fairness though, they have 3 belts, and they’re cute.
They only cost about half of the shirt. So with my mathematical skills, you can buy 1 shirt and 2 belts for the price of 40 forties.
Or cat food, if you’re so inclined.
Well, as many of you who’ve read my archives know, I do have some experience with eating cat food.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did read that.
And just in case you’re getting any smart ideas. I already read and forwarded the yarn and cat story to my sister(There is no way to understand them, I do beleive they are trying to kill us and over take us). She hasn’t responded yet. Hmmmm, who do you think she’ll make take care care of the “baby” next time she goes away?
I agree. There is no doubt that cats are practicing mind control. It may be too late for your sister, but there’s still hope for you. The next time you have to watch the “baby,” be sure to wear a hat made of at least seven sheets of aluminum foil. And never, NEVER look into that beast’s eyes.
Maybe potential dates assume you live in Europe. That’s too far for most American girls. Try spelling ‘humour’ without the ‘u’.
Good point, D. You may have saved my social life. I appreciate the favour.
Man,
I got off Match.com in five days.
It doesn’t take a genius to see what is going on there.
Girls that are either on too much medication or they are being paid to send phoney emails.
Anyway, it was only 30 dollars and I cancelled after 5 days.
This is nothing more than attempting to generate revenue by scamming people into subscriptions. Plain and simple.
Remember, it is the internet and anything goes to make money.
Some people are allowed to have pictures of their pets and cars without thier faces in the pic and others are not allowed. I suspect these are ringers and show that bling to attract girls or men.
I tried to put a picture of a $125K boat on my profile to see what would happen and it was refused.
Another site shows a car collection and it was OK.
Read between the lines.
Yeah, that must be why I didn’t get any responses. Uh huh.
my problem with all these dating sites is that you cant really get to know anyone because everyone lies about themselves I would rather do it the old fashioned way….GOING OUTSIDE. Do some activities and getting away from the comp is the best way to do it. There are even sites that are based on that idea if you wanna mix the old and the new. I know I will get digitally beat up for saying this but one site is giving away free one year memberships and its based on setting up events. Do I dare say the site without getting hurt? matchactivity…..ok bye
Vinchi seems to think that people only lie when they’re behind a keyboard and monitor.
Anyhoo, I’ll save you all the trouble Smivs. Can I call you Smivs? Your dream woman is right here.
I’m always barefoot and I don’t even shave my legs. My gynecologist deemed me as barren as the Mojave and I share the same repulsions for cotton. I purchase only the most expensive clothing, made from 100% synthetics of course, that I can find and I refuse to buy anything that is on sale. I love my dog! I take him with me whenever possible and if I can’t take him along with me I bring a piece of his doodoo in my pocket – just so I can be reminded of him, and he can be near me in some way.
Look no further Smivs. So when should I move in?
Uhhh yeah, I don’t recall asking for hairy legs.
I’ll shave just for you… Anything for you my shnookums
Mmm hmm. Going off the subject, have you seen this great cover of a great cover? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KC4cn-GIeGM&eurl=
Ack why are you showing me that for…
For some reason, I thought you might appreciate it.
Ha. Touche.
And so the stalker becomes the stalkee. Or something like that.
I’m flattered that you are so curious as to even make the effort to unmask me. Why deny this? We are meant to be. Soul mates indeed.
I have no soul mate. Actually, it doesn’t take much to unmask you. I like to keep tabs on my readers, especially the ones who have looked at more than 30 pages in one day.
So… you think you know who I am?
No, I only know how you found me and the general vicinity of where you’re located. The initials are throwing me off. In other words, your secret is safe.
Wellz, rest assured I am only here for the entertainment value of your blogs. Your comment replies are just a bonus for me. =)
Mm hm. And I appreciate reading all those comments. Way too many lurkers out there who don’t bother. Normally I wouldn’t carry on such a public conversation with a reader, but I’m assuming that’s a bogus e-mail address you’re using.
You sure about that? Have you checked your mom’s house?
Quite sure.
Okay, okay if you really want to know who I am, I will reveal myself. Just say the word. I can tell this might have gotten out of hand. Although it was quite fun while it lasted. heehee
No, feel free to maintain your anonymity, and I will do the same.
Okay but how will you do the same if I know who you are?
You know my real name? First and last?
Oh. So it’s not Smivey Sucks? My bad.
Har har, aren’t you funny. My mind was racing, trying to figure out who I know in your area. The answer: no one.
Hmm. Wow Did I really freak you out? Like, this whole cyberstalking biz?
Well, I am a paranoid person by nature, thus the refusal to use my real name. Just glad I could make your workday a little less mundane.
Well I’m sorry for the freak out! By all means this was all purely innocent amusement on my part.
Although, if you look more closely I’m sure it would be easy to figure out who I am.
7 hours at work now so I better get to accomplishing some.
Cheers,
C.S.D.
You overestimate my intelligence.
Ha okay then.
Okay, okay real work time now.
Keep tabs on your readers…wow…
Yeah, I do that sometimes.
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