In my lifetime, I have encountered many so-called “illusionists.” The first one I can remember is a hippy magician named Doug Henning. With his famous “nothing is impossible” catch phrase and his trademark overbite, he mystified audiences and challenged the laws of fashion.
Then there was David Copperfield. After assaulting his stepfather, the evil Mr. Murdstone, David was sent to a boarding school where I guess he learned about magic. Next thing you know, he’s making the Statue of Liberty disappear and performing some death-defying choreography. Not only a master of illusion, Copperfield is also an expert hypnotist, which explains his seven-year relationship with supermodel Claudia Schiffer.
Years later, Penn & Teller burst onto the scene. This team of rebel magicians, comprised of an overweight blowhard and a loveable mute, took delight in making fun of other magicians and performing illusions that caused their audiences to shriek in horror and sometimes projectile vomit.
Blah blah blah David Blaine blah blah blah blah blah.
And now we have Criss Angel, a magician for the goth set. With his TV show Mindfreak, this lisping illusionist takes magic to a whole new level. I’ve watched Criss swallow a shot glass filled with needles and I’ve seen him spontaneously bleed from the chest. But what really sets this man apart from the others is when he walks on water. Not since Rick Ocasek has anyone attempted to perform such a feat. He just steps onto the pool and walks across it. All the while, there are people swimming underneath him with shocked looks on their faces. Of course, there’s a simple explanation for a miraculous stunt like this: Criss Angel has to be some kind of god.
Look at the facts. Here is a man who can disappear at a moment’s notice. He’s been sawed in half. He’s walked down the side of a building and levitated from one roof to the next. Yes, all the signs are there. Hell, his last name is Angel, isn’t it? OK, it’s actually Sarantakos, but that’s beside the point. How else do you explain the way he can walk through glass and swallow razor blades? Uh huh. I rest my case.
That said, we have no choice but to follow him. His powers are too strong. Of course, Criss Angel doesn’t just have a fan club. He has “The Loyal.” These are people who are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice: purchase official Criss Angel merchandise and display it proudly. And I will join them. I will wear my Criss Angel Handcuff Belt Buckle without shame. For we are the outcasts among the outcasts. We are The Loyal. A magician has been sent down from the heavens and he shall lead us!
Oh, I forgot to mention Lance Burton. He does some nice card tricks. Sorry about that, Lance. I’ll catch ya later, buddy.
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