For years, I’ve heard people talk about a “recipe for disaster,” but I always assumed it was a figure of speech. Then, one day, while searching for the secret to my mom’s rattlesnake jerky, I happened upon this old recipe card. Prepare at your own risk.

Recipe For Disaster

Ingredients:

4 farm-fresh eggs
2 cups of high-quality bathtub gin
1 entire bar of Baker’s chocolate
2 cups C & H sugar
3 cups pastry flour
1 cup baking powder
4 cups gun powder
8 firecrackers
1 large bottle of Wesson oil

Preparation:

Preheat the oven to 550 degrees. This must be a gas oven.

Separate the egg whites and throw them away. That’s the shitty part. Drop the remaining egg yolks and shells in a large mixing bowl, along with 1 cup of the bathtub gin. Drink the other cup of gin as you continue to prepare your disaster.

In a separate bowl, mix the pastry flour, baking powder and gun powder. Set aside.

In a double boiler, melt the Baker’s chocolate, then add the 2 cups of sugar. Stir gently until smooth, or until your arm gets tired.

Add one tablespoon of oil to the flour/powder mixture and pour the remaining oil onto the kitchen floor. Quickly, dump the flour/powder into the bowl with the eggs and gin. This should cause a cloud of flour and powder to fly up in your face, temporarily blinding you. Do not stop. Use a cocktail fork to mix the egg yolks, gin, flour and powder together until it is a lumpy batter.

Carefully fold the melted chocolate into the resulting batter, then pour the mixture into whatever you can find that’s large enough. Stick the firecrackers into the batter like birthday candles and open the oven.

Quickly carry the disaster to the oven, place it inside and run like hell, being careful not to slip on the freshly-oiled kitchen floor. Continue running until you can no longer breathe or your legs give out. The disaster should be ready in about an hour, maybe sooner. You’ll hear it. Listen for a loud popping sound. Or the sirens.

Serves about 50

I’m surprised nobody has commented on the fact that my recipe seems to be lacking something. Well, I had to modify it a bit to avoid having my home raided by the FBI. I’m sure you understand.