The year was 1952. President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed into law a new bill that was expected to end the spread of disease as we know it. The law, entitled the End the Spread of Disease As We Know It law, was considered to be the most significant law in the history of disease-prevention laws. This was how the law read back in 1952. I think:

From this day forward, all citizens of the United States of America must abide by these rules. Those who do not, will be punished within the full extent of the law.

Any citizen who has recently evacuated the contents of his lower intestine must wash his hands thoroughly before returning to the workplace. The same holds true for those who are only going pee pee. Should someone return to the workplace before washing his hands, he will be punished within the full extent of the law.

To ensure that disease is not spread any further, the right hand will be reserved for the handling of toilet tissue and doing other dirty things. The left hand will remain clean for grabbing loose snacks, such as cocktail peanuts and pretzels. Anyone caught using his left hand to do dirty things or using his right hand to grab loose snacks, will be punished within the full extent of the law.

Because of obvious conflicts, citizens who naturally favor their left hands to do dirty things will be immediately sent to a special facility where they will be taught how to use their right hands to do dirty things. Various reconditioning methods will be used, including psychoanalysis, training exercises and electroshock therapy.

As an added incentive to abide by these new rules, any citizen who witnesses another citizen using his left hand in a dirty way is hereby authorized to pelt that person with an object no smaller than a baseball and no larger than a refrigerator. Should this pelting cause the peltee to lose consciousness, the peltor must then pin a sign to the peltee’s chest that reads “I’m a Dirty Southpaw.” One sign will be provided for each household. Do not lose your sign.

Because disease is often spread through the borrowing of writing implements, each citizen will be issued one mechanical pencil and one matching fountain pen. Under no circumstances shall a citizen offer his pen or pencil to another citizen. Should a citizen be caught using a writing implement that is not his, that citizen will lose his writing privileges and be pelted with an object no smaller than a mason jar and no heavier than an elephant. As for typing, well, just be careful.

We realize that these new laws will take some getting used to, but you also must recognize that this is the only way to prevent the spread of disease as you know it, and as others know it, but not necessarily as I know it. Over time, the laws will become second nature to us and merge into our culture. How long this will take, no one is certain. It could take weeks. It could take months. It could take milleniums. Just follow the rules and don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s not like you have a choice, is it?

Two weeks later, after nine referigerator-related deaths and one very gruesome incident involving an elephant (don’t ask), the End the Spread of Disease As We Know It law was repealed, thus making it the most insignificant law in the history of disease-prevention laws.