For a while, I’ve been wondering what the hell was going on with today’s drivers. None of them seem to be obeying the laws of the road. That’s when I discovered this new training video: Having Fun Behind The Wheel. Here’s the unofficial transcript:

HAVING FUN BEHIND THE WHEEL

ANNCR: This is Irving. Irving is an excellent driver. He signals before he changes lanes and he always gives pedestrians the right of way. Yes, Irving is a very conscientious driver. Unfortunately, Irving is also terminally boring.

IRVING: Hey!

ANNCR: Oh, don’t worry, Irving, there’s hope for you yet. Just follow these simple steps, and before you know it, you too will be having fun behind the wheel!

IRVING: Well, OK!

ANNCR: Alright, then!

IRVING: OK!

ANNCR: Stop it!

IRVING: Sorry.

There is a bit of an awkward silence.

ANNCR: As I was saying, the key to having fun behind the wheel is understanding three basic principles: One: It’s every man for himself out there. Two: Be creative. Three: Rules were made to be broken. Got it?

IRVING: What was the first one again?

ANNCR: OK! Let’s try them out, shall we?

IRVING: Uh . . .

ANNCR: OK! I couldn’t help but notice that you’re being extremely careful to maintain an imaginary safety cushion around your vehicle.

IRVING: Yep. It gives me an escape route, should something happen suddenly.

ANNCR: Uh huh. This is why you never get any dates. Lighten up. Try stepping on the gas and seeing how close you can get to the car ahead of you.

IRVING: Seriously?

ANNCR: Uh, yeah. C’mon, don’t be a pussy . . . That’s it. Closer. Closer . . . Ha ha ha, now you’re getting it! Make ‘em sweat!

IRVING: This is fun!

ANNCR: OK, OK. Don’t get carried away, you jackass.

IRVING: Sorry.

ANNCR: Yeah. Now let’s try fucking with the person behind you. Let go of the gas pedal, but don’t touch the brake. Good, you’re a natural at this.

IRVING: Ha!

ANNCR: That’s right. See, what we want to do is gradually slow down and irritate the driver behind us. They won’t know what the fuck is going on!

IRVING: Cool!

ANNCR: By the way, why are you driving in only one lane?

IRVING: What do you mean?

ANNCR: A little known fact: Those white lines on the road are merely a suggestion. Loosen up. Let’s practice some lane drifting.

IRVING: Lane drifting?

ANNCR: What did I say?

IRVING: Lane drifting.

ANNCR: So why the fuck are you asking?

IRVING: I didn’t mean to –

ANNCR: Don’t give me that didn’t-mean-to crap. Do you want to learn something or not?

IRVING: Yes.

ANNCR: Then shut the fuck up and listen.

A bit more awkward silence.

ANNCR: OK! Slowly, very slowly, drift over towards the other lane.

IRVING: LIke this?

ANNCR: No, you fucking dolt! I said slowly!

IRVING: Oh.

ANNCR: Yeah, that’s it. Just for the heck of it, flip on your turn indicator in the other direction. Ha ha ha! Yes! Oh, if you could see the face of the guy behind you!

IRVING: Let me see!

ANNCR: Don’t turn around, you idiot! What are you trying to do, kill us?

IRVING: No?

ANNCR: No? You’re not sure if you’re trying to kill us?

IRVING: I . . . I, I don’t know.

ANNCR: For fuck sake, Irving. Did you learn to drive through a correspondence school or something?

IRVING: Driver’s Education, actually.

ANNCR: That was a rhetorical question, dipshit. You know what, fuck this. You’re a lost cause. You stick to your turn signals and driving-the-speed-limit bullshit. I’m out of here.

IRVING: No, wait! I want to learn!

ANNCR: Yeah, well as far as I’m concerned, you can suck it.

And that’s where the film ends. Rather abruptly, if you ask me.