Anyone who’s seen me in real life can attest to the fact that I am not a conservative person. In addition to my all-black wardrobe, I’ve become quite well known for my unusual body piercings. Granted, there are plenty of people with rings in their noses like mine. That’s why I decided I needed to be different. My solution? A ten-foot pole pierced through my left shoulder.

Why a ten-foot pole? I like a challenge. I mean, when you’ve got a ten-foot pole pierced through your left shoulder, you’ve got to make a lot of adjustments. All of my shirts had to be modified. And getting into my car was quite a pain. LIterally. All I can say is, I’m glad I have a sunroof.

Most adults seem put off by the look of it. However, children like to jump up and try to hit it with their hands. One kid actually managed to get a hold of it and hung on until I passed out from the pain. When I came to, I discovered that someone had stuffed some garbage into the end of my pole. Of course, I couldn’t reach the end to pull it out. I walked around with it in there for most of the day, which really upset me. I mean, it was an eyesore. One guy said he’d help me, but then he just shoved the garbage in deeper and ran away laughing. Finally, I came across a nice young lady who had twenty-five industrial-size staples pierced through her face. She tried to reach in to pull the garbage out for me, but it was stuffed too deep inside. Then she came up with a brilliant idea: she went around behind me and blew as hard as she could on my pole. Ten minutes later, we were engaged.

In any case, I’ve gotten pretty used to having a ten-foot pole pierced through my left shoulder. Dusk, my wife, really loves it. Still, when I think about it, I don’t think it was the smartest thing I ever did. Obviously, the right shoulder would have been a better choice. That, and a longer pole.