A lot of you have been writing to me and asking about who I am and why I started blogging. Well, rather than spend all the time replying to every email, I thought I’d address you all at once:
Fuck off. Why are you so goddamn interested in who I am and what I do? Don’t you have your own life? I mean, come on. Can’t you just enjoy the stuff I write?
Ahhhh that was a load off my chest. I feel so much better now. Anyhow, here’s my life story, in four paragraphs:
I grew up as a moderately poor child. I mean, we weren’t totally poor. Sure, we ate cat food for breakfast, cat food for lunch and cat food for dinner. But it was Fancy Feast, not that Nine Lives crap. Of course, there were other kids in our neighborhood who weren’t as poor as us. They got to eat Sheba, the cat food favored by Pharaohs.
As you know, the ancient Egyptians used to consider cats sacred. This might have had something to do with the feline’s mysterious nature, or perhaps it was because the ancient Egyptians had brains the size of unripe tangerines. Does this count as one of the four paragraphs? I sure as fuck hope not.
Anyhow, my father would occasionally save up enough money to pay the water bill and then mom would whip up a batch of Kool-Aid, creating a slightly more flavorful water with vitamins and minerals, kind of like your modern-day Vitamin Water.
Then my Uncle Romona died (used to be Uncle Roland until a horrible chainsaw accident) and we suddenly become filthy rich. And I mean that literally. We lived in a big fancy mansion in the Hollywood HIlls, but we hardly ever bathed. Why? I’m not sure. But I was just glad to be living in a place with four walls and roof. Our previous home only had three walls. Dad was always saving up for the fourth.
Speaking of fourth, this would be the fourth paragraph, unless of course you consider that stupid paragraph about cats and Pharaohs to count as one of the paragraphs. Then this would have to be the fifth paragraph and I would be a liar. In any case, assuming this is the fourth paragraph, I should use it to wrap up my life as best as I can. In all honesty, it’s really quite boring. Our neighbors burned our house down, a “computer glitch” made all our money disappear and then I got a job in advertising. The end.
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