A New Bedtime Story

Since y’all liked my last bedtime story so much, I thought I’d go on ahead ‘n share with ya a new’un. This’n was done told to me by my ma, back when we was livin’ up in the Ozarks and I was, I reckon, no more than a pea. Hope y’all like it. It go somethin’ like this:

Unce a time, thare was these four bears. Ya got yer ma bear, yer pa bear and one of them thare baby bears. The fourth bear don’t matter none. Anyhoo, they all lived in one of them thare houses out in the woods. And then they all be eatin’ their porridges and such. And then it’s just too darn hot fer all them, so the ma bear, she say, “we gots to get.” Then the pa bear, he say, “Yeah, we better get.” And baby bear, he just sit thare and shit his pants.

So ma bear he done changin’ the diaper and then they all gets to steppin’. Then this here cutie pie by the name o’ Gold Locks, she goes a knockin’ on the door, but thare ain’t no answer, on the account of them three bears be out gathering fire wood or somethin’. The fourth bear don’t matter none. So Goldie, she done smash the winduh and start ransackin’ the place. She start rifling through da drawers and lookin’ fer some tobaccy fer her pipe. But thare ain’t none, on the account a pa bear be smokin’ it.

So then Goldie, she sees them thare porridges sittin’ out on that thare table. And she goes to chowing down. She eats the first porridges and near clean burnt her mouth off. She eats the second porridges, but it’s a bit too lumpy. She eats the third porridges and it too salty. The fourth porridge don’t matter none. The problem be that ma bear can’t cook worth a darn. After Goldie eats all the porridges, she has the shits something awful and end up passing out in them thare baby bear’s bed.

So the three bears get back to them thare house, and go to eat them thare porridges. But thare ain’t no porridges. Goldie done ate ’em all. Pa bear figures it be some kind of varmit, so he go fetch him his shot gun. Ma bear fetch her her shot gun, too. And baby bear, he done dirty his diaper ‘gain. The fourth bear don’t matter none.

So pa bear he done got his shotgun and he’s a walkin’ on through the house, lookin fer them varmits. And ma bear, she’s right thare behind him, waiting fer any critters to peak their little heads out. So baby bear, he done go to his room to take a nap, on the account he was all tired from walkin’ and shiitin’ himself. So ‘course, he find Goldie Lock all in his bed and she wake up with a start and scream. And baby bear scream and go and dirty himself up again. And ma and pa came a runnin’. And Goldie, done flew out that the door. Pa didn’t think none. He just fired away and done blow Goldie’s head clear off. Ma fired a round into her, too, accidentally killing the fourth bear. But that’s OK, ’cause he don’t matter none.

That’d be that thare end of the story. Now ya get yerself some shut-eye.

Comments 22

  1. disastrogirl wrote:

    I am anxiously awaiting the sequel, “Goldie’s Revenge.” I’m pretty sure the fourth bear is a zombie.

    Posted 24 May 2005 at 7:33 pm
  2. lovesit wrote:

    Evidently Goldie & Baby Bear done gone ta Big Lots & bought theyselves a case a that thar Low Carb Milk Chocolate Instant Hot Dia-Cereal.

    Posted 24 May 2005 at 7:34 pm
  3. Midge wrote:


    Posted 24 May 2005 at 9:49 pm
  4. boredhousewife wrote:

    you do “hick” surprisingly well, Smive. :)

    Posted 26 May 2005 at 6:25 pm
  5. Lani wrote:

    I done like the story, there.

    Posted 31 May 2005 at 5:49 pm
  6. Anonymous wrote:

    Me says, the story is sexy.. err.. sorta.. I think I came..

    Posted 02 Jun 2005 at 4:46 pm
  7. Anonymous wrote:

    I based a play off of it for forensics club in school

    Posted 07 Jan 2006 at 8:15 pm
  8. Norton wrote:

    Nice… but I’m talking about real fairy tales… like where a girl meets her prince and it turns out all he had was the title…

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 7:46 pm
  9. Smivey wrote:

    Oh. Well, no. None of that here.

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 7:53 pm
  10. Norton wrote:

    Well, it’s in the realm of everything sucks… a guy meets a girl, she had implants…

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:04 pm
  11. Smivey wrote:

    Yes, now you’re getting it.

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:06 pm
  12. Norton wrote:

    So will you write one?

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:08 pm
  13. Smivey wrote:

    A fairy tale? Hmmmm I’ll consider it. I can’t believe I haven’t already.

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:10 pm
  14. Norton wrote:

    Looking forward to it. Let me know when you do.

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:11 pm
  15. Smivey wrote:

    You mean send an e-mail to that fake e-mail address you used? OK. Here’s another one for the kids:


    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:14 pm
  16. Norton wrote:

    It’s a legit email address.

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:16 pm
  17. Norton wrote:

    Don’t like Elmer….

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:17 pm
  18. Smivey wrote:

    Hm. Odd. OK, I’ll let you know.

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:18 pm
  19. Smivey wrote:

    Well, not many people do like Elmer.

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:19 pm
  20. Norton wrote:

    Oh… I meant the name Elmer… and thanks.

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:24 pm
  21. Smivey wrote:

    Ahhhh I see. I guess I can stop cutting myself now. Thanks for the clarification.

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:32 pm
  22. Norton wrote:

    …I like Elmer… I’m an OPTIMIST….

    Posted 23 Apr 2007 at 8:40 pm

Trackbacks & Pingbacks 1

  1. From Elmer’s Big Escape at Everything Sucks on 22 Sep 2006 at 9:44 am

    […] Considering how much everyone enjoyed the last Bedtime Story I shared with you, I thought you might like this. It’s a shorter tale that my mom used to tell me during those days when she would rather be watching Quincy than tucking me into bed. It’s been a while, but I think it went something like this: […]

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