Diary Of An Invisible Man

Day 1:

Holy fucking shit! I’m fucking invisible! I can’t believe it really worked! Look at me! Oh wait, that’s right. You can’t! Hahahahahaha! Fuck you! Fuck you all! I’m fucking invisible! YEAH!

Day 2:

Woke up this morning in the lab: still invisible. That must have been some potent shit I cooked up. Better work on the formula some more. On a side note, it’s kind of cool how when I’m typing, the keys on the keyboard seem to move themselves. Hollywood can’t pull off special effects like this.

Anyhow, I’m not sure if any of my colleagues are ready to know about what happened to me just yet. So I’ve decided to pretend like I’m not here, a kind of sociology experiment, if you will.

Ladies locker room, here I come!

Day 3:

Fuck. I’ve never had so many doors slammed in my face. Elbows in my ribs. Shoulders in my chest. And high heels dug into my feet. I am aching.

The ladies locker room idea? Sucked. First of all, in order to be completely invisible, I had to walk around naked. What’s worse, it seemed like all the hot girls decided to take the day off—but the grandmas were out in full force. Ugh. I tried to close my eyes, but I forgot my eyelids were invisible, too. I hope this shit wears off soon. I need some sleep.

Day 4:

I can’t believe this. I had a hard time sleeping with no eyelids, so I ended up injecting myself with some experimental drug I found in the lab. Let me tell you, it’s not a good idea to be tripping when you’re invisible. I was freaking out because all of these objects were moving around by themselves. My head is aching. I need some breakfast.

Day 5:

I had a really shocking discovery this morning. Apparently, while my body is invisible, the food I consume isn’t. Sorry, but I do not need an anatomy lesson at 7:30 in the morning. Disgusting.

Oh, and get this: Since I’ve been absent for so long, they’ve decided to start looking for someone new to take over my job. That’s when I made a huge mistake: I tried to speak to one of my coworkers. Freaked the shit out of Janice. She ran screaming out of the lab. Of course, I ran after her, but . . . yeah, I got a door in the face again. Thank god my blood is invisible too. Ouch.

Day 6:

Well, they called in the paranormal investigators today. Those nut jobs claim they can sense an energy in the room. Yeah, right. I just wanna go over there and slap them around a bit. But to be honest, those contraptions they have scare the shit out of me.

Day 7:

Four priests showed up today to perform an exorcism. So I figured it was time to come clean. I just spoke up and told everyone exactly what had happened. And you know what? Those fuckers did the exorcism anyway! The ceremony went on for hours. Every time they’d stop, I’d try to explain my situation and they’d start right up again. Finally, I gave up and left to get a taco. That’s when I realized I had no way to buy a taco. And I had left my security pass in the lab. Let me tell you, it was a cold night.

Day 8:

I have feet now, about up to the ankle. That’s it. When I look down, I can see into the marrow of my bones. Pretty disgusting, even for a scientist. Which means, if anyone finds where I’m hiding, they’ll discover these severed walking feet. Probably try to chase them around the room with a broom or something. I should’ve become a lawyer like my father.

Day 9:

Okay, I now have legs. Just up to the knees, though. And no hair. I guess hair takes longer to show up, or maybe it never will. I’m starting to appreciate the benefits of animal testing. PETA can eat my invisible ass.

Day 10:

Fuck. Remember what I said about my invisible ass? Well, it ain’t invisible anymore. I just wish the rest of me would show up so I could quit hiding in the equipment supply room. Incidentally, that guy they got to replace me is really doing well. They keep talking about how much nicer he is than me. Little did I know that the equipment supply room was the main place to go to share the latest gossip.

Day 11:

Well, I’m delighted to report that I have a torso. Now all I need is a head. And hair. What the fuck is up with the hair?

Day 12:

I’m back! My beautiful body is back! Yeah! I never thought it would happen, but the hell is finally over! I can’t wait to see everyone’s faces when I show up for work on Monday.

Day 13:

OK, that didn’t go so well. I walked in and everyone looked at me like I had just drop kicked their favorite pet. Nobody wanted to hear about my great discovery. And those that heard any of my story, didn’t believe it. Oh sure, they have no problem believing that the fucking lab was haunted, but they wouldn’t believe that I discovered a way to turn invisible? Anyhow, within minutes, security was on the scene and quickly escorted me out the door.

That’s where the diary ends. Oh, and as for that secret formula, I have no idea what happened to it. But shortly after the lab’s janitor mysteriously disappeared, the ladies locker room started being haunted by what the papers called “The Groping Ghost.” Coincidence?

Comments 9

  1. MALA wrote:

    I’ve been on a James Whale kick all month and recently watched the original Invisible Man.

    Great post!!!

    Posted 16 Apr 2005 at 5:26 am
  2. smivey wrote:

    Thanks, MALA. The only difference being that the Invisible Man movie is based on a work of fiction.

    Posted 16 Apr 2005 at 5:57 am
  3. kris wrote:

    how could you see things, if you had invisible retinas?

    Posted 18 Apr 2005 at 1:41 pm
  4. smivey wrote:

    Oh, for fuck sakes, kris. Haven’t you heard of people who lose a leg and still feel a phantom limb? Well, people who go invisible have phantom corneas and retinas and shit like that.

    And if you’re wondering why he kept running into doors, it’s because he couldn’t see where his hand was going and he often missed the handle.

    Posted 18 Apr 2005 at 3:06 pm
  5. Lani wrote:

    LOL…

    Hey you could have just went behind the counter and taken a taco. Let the guys in the kitchen get freaked out when they see a flying taco.

    Posted 20 Apr 2005 at 9:17 pm
  6. Lani wrote:

    Oh! But wait!! Couldn’t you feel your hands in front of you, so you wouldn’t get hit with the door then?

    Strange, very strange. BUT!!! I was laughing. lol. I like the story. What else are you cooking in the lab?

    Posted 20 Apr 2005 at 9:18 pm
  7. smivey wrote:

    OK, let me explain something. This was the diary of an Invisible Man. Do I look invisble? No. I’m not. Never have been. Maybe the guy couldn’t open doors when he was visible either. I don’t know. It’s not like I wrote this shit. However, I do like the idea about the free taco.

    Posted 21 Apr 2005 at 2:23 am
  8. sam wrote:

    eat my invisible ass..lol..nice concept smivey..

    Posted 21 Apr 2005 at 9:09 am
  9. smivey wrote:

    Thanks, sam. Nice to see a new face. I mean, a new name.

    Posted 21 Apr 2005 at 1:57 pm

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