Yeah, I listen to NPR. But I’m not telling you that to impress you. It’s just a way to lead into today’s topic. And what is that topic? Jeeze, would ya give me a fucking break? I’m barely into one paragraph. Have some patience, will ya?
Sorry. Where was I? Oh right. NPR. Yeah, I listen to it a lot. They have some great programs, and I enjoy almost all of them. Almost all of them. There is one feature I just cannot stand. Oddly enough, it has to do with writers.
Basically, here’s how it works: Someone sends in some clever essay they wrote, and if it’s chosen, they’re invited into the studio to read it on the air. The essays are on different topics, and yet I always hear them exactly the same way. It goes something like this:
I can’t believe how clever I am. The way I craft a sentence should be studied by all who yearn to write. I am a literary virtuoso. Not only that, I’m funny.
Listen to the way I read my words, enunciating every fucking syllable, emphasizing certain words. It’s all in the inflection, you see.
God, I love to hear my own voice. The only thing I love to hear more than my own voice is my own voice reading my own words. Yes, my words. Words I spent hours agonizing over, and finally, finally, someone has recognized my genius.
You all want to be me. You wish you could enunciate and inflect the way i do. You wish you were as witty as I am. But you are all fools. You aren’t worthy of my time. Do you have any idea how funny and clever I am?
I hate pretentious writers. Especially when they recite their own words. And don’t even get me started with poets.
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