NPR Fame

Yeah, I listen to NPR. But I’m not telling you that to impress you. It’s just a way to lead into today’s topic. And what is that topic? Jeeze, would ya give me a fucking break? I’m barely into one paragraph. Have some patience, will ya?

Sorry. Where was I? Oh right. NPR. Yeah, I listen to it a lot. They have some great programs, and I enjoy almost all of them. Almost all of them. There is one feature I just cannot stand. Oddly enough, it has to do with writers.

Basically, here’s how it works: Someone sends in some clever essay they wrote, and if it’s chosen, they’re invited into the studio to read it on the air. The essays are on different topics, and yet I always hear them exactly the same way. It goes something like this:

I can’t believe how clever I am. The way I craft a sentence should be studied by all who yearn to write. I am a literary virtuoso. Not only that, I’m funny.

Listen to the way I read my words, enunciating every fucking syllable, emphasizing certain words. It’s all in the inflection, you see.

God, I love to hear my own voice. The only thing I love to hear more than my own voice is my own voice reading my own words. Yes, my words. Words I spent hours agonizing over, and finally, finally, someone has recognized my genius.

You all want to be me. You wish you could enunciate and inflect the way i do. You wish you were as witty as I am. But you are all fools. You aren’t worthy of my time. Do you have any idea how funny and clever I am?

I hate pretentious writers. Especially when they recite their own words. And don’t even get me started with poets.

Comments 12

  1. boredhousewife wrote:

    Funny, one of my favorite pasttimes is ego gourmet…

    We should boycott that program, or better yet, stage a coup, and get on there ourselves in order to read our works with quiet dignity, showing them all how it is MEANT to be done.

    either that or take a nap.

    Posted 02 Mar 2005 at 6:34 pm
  2. Smivey wrote:

    I’m for the nap. I’ll warm up the milk.

    Posted 02 Mar 2005 at 7:53 pm
  3. Lani wrote:

    Chills down my spine, awaken my senses. I read your post shaking in my seat. I like my ham and cheese with wheat. But in the end, chills down my spine, awaken my senses.

    May I say…Brillant? That was, wasn’t it? ;)

    Posted 02 Mar 2005 at 8:12 pm
  4. Smivey wrote:

    Lani, if I liked poetry, I’d say that was amazing. But alas . . .

    Posted 02 Mar 2005 at 9:40 pm
  5. Man with no Name wrote:

    pEot??? pEotry???

    Posted 03 Mar 2005 at 4:33 am
  6. Lani wrote:

    It gave you chills. Admit it.

    But I will say this… Years ago I met this guy who wrote poetry all the time. He was pretty good, but after two weeks of hearing his shit, I was done. I mean how many poems can you write about me? Jesus!

    Posted 03 Mar 2005 at 7:11 pm
  7. Smivey wrote:

    Lani, I could go two different routes with a reply to your comment: 1) The flirtatious route: “That all depends. How many words rhyme with ‘hottie’?” But that might come across as rather juvenile. 2) The philosphical route: “I believe poetry is best appreciated by the author. Therefore, they should just keep it to themselves.” Which is probably a better way to go. But then people might point out the fact that I have poems in my archives. In which case, I might reply with something like “Yeah, well fuck you.” Hm. I need to think about this.

    Posted 03 Mar 2005 at 7:36 pm
  8. Lani wrote:


    My ex boyfriend wrote alot of poems. But then they started getting really dark and there was alot of blood and death. In his poems that is. So I broke up with him.

    Posted 03 Mar 2005 at 9:11 pm
  9. dvl wrote:

    this is why i stick predominantly with photoblogging…

    Posted 04 Mar 2005 at 5:20 am
  10. Pip wrote:

    did you hear the woman with the pedestrian traffic essay?

    oh, god, the puns….

    “anti-lock boots?” I nearly cried.

    Posted 04 Mar 2005 at 5:39 pm
  11. Smivey wrote:

    I missed that one. Fortunately.

    Posted 04 Mar 2005 at 5:47 pm
  12. Geo wrote:

    There’s nothing worse than poets.

    Posted 19 Mar 2005 at 2:57 pm

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