Mystery Pain

Have you ever discovered your finger was bleeding, but couldn’t remember why? That happens to me a lot. Which basically means one of two things: Either I’m completely oblivious to the world around me. Or I suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder. I’m hoping for the latter.

Sure, MPD is a horrible mental disease. But sometimes I like to think that maybe, just maybe, there’s a part of me that likes to go out, wreak havoc and have fun. For instance, that cut I discovered on my finger. Maybe it wasn’t from an accident. Maybe it was from punching someone in the face during a late-night bar fight. And I fucking won! Yeah! Take that, motherfucker!

Hm, if I do lead a double life, I wonder what my other name is. Tyler? Nah, too obvious. It’s gotta be something wicked sounding, like Ivan. Yeah, Ivan. “Oh, shit!” the bar patrons would cry. “It’s Ivan!” And then they would scramble. But there would always be that one guy who was new and wasn’t easily intimidated. “Who the fuck is Ivan?” he’d ask. And I’d be more than happy to give him the answer. But then, to show him there were no hard feelings, I’d give him a lift to the hospital, maybe even send him a get-well card. Ivan may be one tough customer, but he’s also got a heart of gold.

OK, that might explain the cut on my finger. But figure this one out: A couple of mornings ago, I woke up to discover that my left achilles tendon was hurting like a motherfucker. I mean, I could barely move it. I ended up limping around for most of the morning until I broke down and popped four Ibuprofen and half a Vicodin. The Vicodin wasn’t just for the tendon. It was to kill the pain from icing my damn foot. OUCH! Twenty minutes on, twenty minutes off? Who came up with that shit, some kind of masochist?

Anyhow, where was I? Oh right, the tendon. I don’t know how this could’ve happened. I never exercise. So it’s not like I pulled it doing power sprints or something. No, there could only be one explanation: Ivan. That motherfucker. He must’ve gotten up shortly after I fell asleep and then went jogging — without bothering to stretch first! Yeah, so now I have to deal with this ache in my ankle. Thanks a lot, Ivan. You selfish prick.

. . .

OK, fine. I admit it. I kind of remember feeling a slight pain in my achilles while i was walking up the stairs the day before — walking, mind you. Not running. Oy, I am so out of shape, it isn’t even funny. Actually, I guess it kinda is.

Comments 13

  1. Lani wrote:

    Hmmm…interesting. Reminds me of a night were I woke up and found my night gown open. I think my other personality had some kind of a party…Roxy I think her name is.

    Posted 26 Feb 2005 at 1:21 am
  2. smivey wrote:

    Okay, Lani. I knew this was gonna come up. I can explain that night. It’s not at all what you think.

    Posted 26 Feb 2005 at 1:51 am
  3. Lani wrote:

    Ha ha ha….

    Posted 27 Feb 2005 at 3:04 am
  4. smivey wrote:

    Yeah, I didn’t exactly take the high road there.

    Posted 27 Feb 2005 at 3:30 am
  5. Man with no Name wrote:

    Ivan the horrible!!!

    Posted 28 Feb 2005 at 10:59 am
  6. Angel wrote:

    hmm….that might explain the scratches on my back….were actually bleeding :) ….first time here….loved it :)

    Posted 28 Feb 2005 at 8:14 pm
  7. Wayne wrote:

    Hey that’s pretty funny. Actually,you made laugh my ass off about calling yourself Ivan and stuff. Good job. You are funny person.

    Posted 28 Feb 2005 at 9:32 pm
  8. smivey wrote:

    Wow, where all these new people coming from, and how can I get more? Thanks for visiting Angel and Wayne.

    Posted 28 Feb 2005 at 9:54 pm
  9. Pip wrote:

    We could make up some new names, Smivey, and post with those, if you’re craving the new traffic.

    Posted 28 Feb 2005 at 11:30 pm
  10. NotPip wrote:

    I have nothing to do with that previous post. I am totally not Pip. I am a new viewer. I think you’re funny, man. And totally new. I have never read your stuff before.

    Posted 28 Feb 2005 at 11:31 pm
  11. Mr. O wrote:

    Thanks for the card. Fucker.

    Posted 01 Mar 2005 at 4:29 am
  12. smivey wrote:

    OK, I might have to retract what I said earlier about new visitors. It’s starting to get kinda creepy again. Thanks for the card? Huh? Did I miss something? If this was a comment for my b-day post, I think I might get it. Will someone please explain this to me?
    Pip, don’t be alarmed, but I believe that someone may be squatting on your blog.

    Posted 01 Mar 2005 at 4:39 am
  13. Lani wrote:

    Maybe you forgot someone’s birthday?? Dude, watch your back…

    Posted 01 Mar 2005 at 3:45 pm

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