Well, I thought I had a pretty clever idea for a blog entry this time. It was going to be a list of really disgusting Ben & Jerry’s flavors. I had it pretty much done and was just waiting until Sunday night to post it. But then I got around to watching last night’s episode of Late Show With David Letterman. A gag during their Week In Review segment featured a pint of “Rooster Meat Swirl” ice cream by Ben & Jerry’s. Fuck! Anyhow, I’m going to post this anyway. But I swear I did not steal the idea. Bleh.
“Another Hobby Of Mine”
Here’s another fun fact about me: In addition to collecting and trading historical paper clips, I also like to invent exciting new ice cream flavors. In fact, in the past ten years, I’ve sent over 1,000 different ice-cream flavor concepts to the good folks at Ben & Jerry’s. As you might assume, every single one of those flavors was rejected. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them yourself.
Listed below are some of my favorite flavors. If one sounds appealing, feel free to whip it up at home in one of those ice-cream-maker thingamajigs. Just don’t sell them to any big corporations, or I’ll have my lawyer on your ass faster than you can say “mocha almond fudge.” And I might even consider a lawsuit, too.
REJECTED ICE CREAM FLAVOURS:
Chips & Salsa™
Luscious dollops of Pace™ brand picante sauce are swirled into sweet vanilla ice cream, with Fritos™ brand corn chips blended right in. It’s like taking a trip to Mexico. Only with ice cream.
Bay Leaf Bliss™
Guaranteed to have at least five whole bay leaves in every pint. The bay leaves add a distinctive flavor, but don’t eat them!
Lunch at Canters™
The flavors of L.A.’s favorite Jewish deli come to life in this quiescently frozen dessert. Chunks of rye bread dough are blended into chicken-soup flavored ice cream, then topped with mini matzo balls. Mmmm, that’s Canters!
Mary Had A Little Lamb™
Lamb flavored ice cream surrounds generous portions of succulent lamb meat. Of course, it wouldn’t be complete without a ribbon of mint jelly. Yummy.
Fear Factor Feast™
We take the most inedible parts of animals — the parts normally set aside for dog food — and mix them in an ice cream flavored with hippopotamus pee. Crack open a pint and pretend like you’re a contestant on the Fear Factor TV show. One in five pints could have a real sheep’s eyeball inside!*
*Animal origin of eyeball cannot be guaranteed.
Mean Joe Green™
Named after some football player in a Coke commercial from the ’70s. It’s not vanilla. It’s not strawberry. It doesn’t taste like anything at all. But it’s green! It’s really, really green!
Coney Island Weekend™
Generous chunks of Nathan’s Famous hot dogs and buns are mixed in hot-dog-water flavored ice cream. Intertwining mustard and ketchup ribbons complete the experience. Top with raw onions before serving.
Kung Pao Wow™
Leftover Kung Pao Shrimp is mixed into silky green-tea ice cream, with bits of sticky rice tossed in just for fun. Careful, it’s spicy!
nope.
I wasn’t.
and you know it.
you’re good…
I think the nausea has passed…
so I can comment.
those are foul. FOWL.
I think you left out Shore Dinner: chunks of lobster, swirls of butter, fried clams, and blueberries!!
sorry, that actually sounds good…
Nausea? Are you kidding? That Shore Dinner flavor of yours sounds great. I might just whip up a batch this afternoon..
I say we rip off B & J’s “Chunky Monkey” and “Cherry Garcia,” and make “Chunky Garcia.”
With real chunks of Jerry Garcia!
I’m actually on my way to the hospital.
Dam, you…I trusted you!
Pip, you’ve gone too far. I only use fresh ingredients.
Lani, I apologize. Send me your medical bills. I mean, I’m not going to pay them off or anything. I just want to see them. Thanks.
Sure no problem. Just ignore the pap test and rectal examine. Thanks.
What if we just used chunks of some guy named Garcia? Would that work?
OK, now it’s just getting creepy.
why aren’t you submitting these to magazines for publication????
I’m just saying.
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you were kidding, bhw.
Yes, I’m good at coming up with stuff that’s featured on Letterman two nights later. Bleh.
What magazine do you think would accept my writing? Drek Weekly?
Oddly enough, I watched Letterman last night and he admitted that he has a webcam set up in your apartment in order to steal your ideas.
Oh, and as the editor of Drek Weekly, I can say without a doubt that we’d be honored to publish your writing.
i miss canters
Hello! You’re in New York!
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