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Damn You, Dave!

Well, I thought I had a pretty clever idea for a blog entry this time. It was going to be a list of really disgusting Ben & Jerry’s flavors. I had it pretty much done and was just waiting until Sunday night to post it. But then I got around to watching last night’s episode of Late Show With David Letterman. A gag during their Week In Review segment featured a pint of “Rooster Meat Swirl” ice cream by Ben & Jerry’s. Fuck! Anyhow, I’m going to post this anyway. But I swear I did not steal the idea. Bleh.

“Another Hobby Of Mine”

Here’s another fun fact about me: In addition to collecting and trading historical paper clips, I also like to invent exciting new ice cream flavors. In fact, in the past ten years, I’ve sent over 1,000 different ice-cream flavor concepts to the good folks at Ben & Jerry’s. As you might assume, every single one of those flavors was rejected. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them yourself.

Listed below are some of my favorite flavors. If one sounds appealing, feel free to whip it up at home in one of those ice-cream-maker thingamajigs. Just don’t sell them to any big corporations, or I’ll have my lawyer on your ass faster than you can say “mocha almond fudge.” And I might even consider a lawsuit, too.

REJECTED ICE CREAM FLAVOURS:

Chips & Salsa™
Luscious dollops of Pace™ brand picante sauce are swirled into sweet vanilla ice cream, with Fritos™ brand corn chips blended right in. It’s like taking a trip to Mexico. Only with ice cream.

Bay Leaf Bliss
Guaranteed to have at least five whole bay leaves in every pint. The bay leaves add a distinctive flavor, but don’t eat them!

Lunch at Canters
The flavors of L.A.’s favorite Jewish deli come to life in this quiescently frozen dessert. Chunks of rye bread dough are blended into chicken-soup flavored ice cream, then topped with mini matzo balls. Mmmm, that’s Canters!

Mary Had A Little Lamb
Lamb flavored ice cream surrounds generous portions of succulent lamb meat. Of course, it wouldn’t be complete without a ribbon of mint jelly. Yummy.

Fear Factor Feast
We take the most inedible parts of animals — the parts normally set aside for dog food — and mix them in an ice cream flavored with hippopotamus pee. Crack open a pint and pretend like you’re a contestant on the Fear Factor TV show. One in five pints could have a real sheep’s eyeball inside!*

*Animal origin of eyeball cannot be guaranteed.

Mean Joe Green
Named after some football player in a Coke commercial from the ’70s. It’s not vanilla. It’s not strawberry. It doesn’t taste like anything at all. But it’s green! It’s really, really green!

Coney Island Weekend
Generous chunks of Nathan’s Famous hot dogs and buns are mixed in hot-dog-water flavored ice cream. Intertwining mustard and ketchup ribbons complete the experience. Top with raw onions before serving.

Kung Pao Wow
Leftover Kung Pao Shrimp is mixed into silky green-tea ice cream, with bits of sticky rice tossed in just for fun. Careful, it’s spicy!

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