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This Is The Dawning of The Age of . . . Me

Hey, don’t you hate it when you ask someone when their birthday is and they won’t tell you? “Guess,” they say. Oh, that should be easy. After all, there are only, what, 365 days in the year? Hm, let me take a stab at it. Is it June 11? No? How ’bout March 8? Well, two down, 363 to go.

Yeah, I do it too. What’s the big deal? It’s your fucking birthday. Just spit out the damn date and get it over with. What’s ironic is, most of us actually get upset when our birthday comes and goes and nobody acknowledges it. You might call it the paradox of the ages. (Ha, did you get that? Of the ages? Bleh.)

So, yeah, most of us like to receive a few good wishes on our special day. But unless your office posts one of those b-day calendars every month, there’s no way for anyone to know when your birthday actually is. That’s why I’ve come up with a few subtle hints to ensure your birthday won’t go unnoticed. I call them “A Few Subtle Hints To Ensure Your Birthday Won’t Go Unnoticed.” And here they are:

About a week before your birthday, start talking about how old you feel, possibly mention that you’ll be feeling even older next week. (OK, that’s not such a subtle one.)

A few days before your birthday, start talking about how your family wants to take you to dinner and how you really don’t want them to make such a big deal of it. “Of what?” they’ll say. (Yeah, you’ve got ’em where you want ’em.)

A day before you birthday, mention to your friend or coworker how you were thinking about taking the day off tomorrow. After all, it’s your day. (Now you’re just getting desperate.)

The day of your birthday, if you don’t see any banners or balloons in your cubicle, get on your computer and send yourself one of those obnoxious electronic greeting cards — You know, the ones with that awful MIDI music playing in the background. When you receive it, open it up and leave it on your screen. Be sure to turn up your speakers. Then loudly react to it. Say something like, “Oh my! I’m gonna kill her! Ha ha ha! Would you look at that!” If people don’t come running, turn up the music. “Ha ha ha ha! How do you turn this damn this off?” (Welcome to Pity Country.)

If none of the above tactics work, you’re either hated by all or you’re working among the deaf and blind. Really, there’s not much else you can do, aside from maybe writing a blog entry about birthdays and ending it by mentioning the day of your birth (February 8). Sure, it’s not very subtle. But you’re a self-centered bastard and everybody knows it. Bleh.

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