Have you ever noticed how most stand-up comics aren’t really that funny? There’s a reason: their jokes have to be written to appeal to a diverse audience. Fuck that. I’ve decided that when I become a stand-up comedian, I’m going to write my routine for a much more select group, a market yet untapped: the filthy rich.
So, I walk out on stage and immediately get a laugh because the clothing I’m wearing is obviously from the Gap. I’m not even wearing designer underwear. Crazy. Then, while they’re still chuckling, I go into my routine:
Hey there. Hope you’re having a good evening. So last week I had to take the Lamborghini into the shop. Again. (pause for laugh) Yeah, I know. Those darn things are so unreliable, aren’t they? I’m thinking about hiring a guy to follow me around in one of my Porsches, just in case the Lambi breaks down. (pause for laugh) Yeah.
Hey, is it just me, or has caviar really been sucking lately? I don’t know where they’re getting this crap, but I think it’s coming out of a different hole, if you know what I mean. (pause for laugh) Yeah.
So, last night I got in this argument with my chef. The fucker refused to make me some waffles. I mean, sure it was 2 a.m., but what the fuck do I pay him for? I’ll tell you what I pay him for: to make me some goddamn waffles when I want them! (pause for applause) Yeah!
Hey, you know how you always drive in the carpool lane, even if you don’t have a passenger? I mean, if you get caught, it’ll only cost you what, $451? Fuck it. (pause for applause) (point to someone in front row). This guy knows what I mean.
But, really, it’s important to occasionally remember those less fortunate than us. Then we can go right back to forgetting about them. (point to same guy) Yeah, he knows what I mean. OK, that’s it for me. I gotta get home and wake up my chef. I’m really in the mood for some eggs benedict. Not really. I’m just in the mood to watch him prepare it for me. (pause for laughter) Thank you! Have a good night!
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