Yesterday, I turned on my TV and discovered that Tivo had recorded The Tonight Show with Jay Leno for me. This was a bit unusual, since I’m more of a Letterman fan. But Tivo doesn’t record things on a whim. There must’ve been a reason. And there was: I clicked through to find that Jay’s guest that night had been the lovely and talented Nicole Kidman. Thank you, Tivo.
Of course, I could’ve fast forwarded past the opening monologue and gone straight to the ravishing Nicole. But I didn’t. I decided it was time to give ol’ Jay a chance. I simply pressed the Play button and prepared to be entertained.
Within minutes I discovered something amazing about Jay. He has a certain quality about him. A certain pathetic quality. What’s pathetic? Take your pick. It could be how overly excited the audience is when Jay comes out. They stand near the stage, reaching out to him, desperate to have their hand slapped by the God of Late Night. Or maybe it’s the jerky way the camera zooms in and out like a bad home movie. But, personally, I think it’s the monologue.
The monologue? But isn’t Jay a stand-up comedian? Well, that depends on your definition of stand-up comedian. Is he standing up? Yes. Is he a comedian? Well, that would imply humor and joy. And all I felt while watching this pathetic monologue was pity.
Despite how worked up the audience was when the show started, they couldn’t even feign laughter after Jay delivered his watered-down brand of comedy. What’s worse, Jay doesn’t know how to handle it when he’s bombing. Letterman or Conan can just give you that look and you start laughing. Leno? There’s no look. What’s worse, Leno’s monologue is twice as long.
My thumb inched its way towards the fast-forward button.
But wait. What’s this? A “surprise” walk-on appearance by a celebrity, right in the middle of the monologue! And its . . . who the fuck is that? Yes, it’s one of those “celebrities” that needs to be announced so you know who it is: “Why it’s . . .” Yeah, I don’t even remember who it was. Some old musician, I think. Pathetic. You see, Jay has this black-and-white Harley on the stage and he’s having all these “celebrities” sign it for him, so he can auction it off for the tsunami survivors. Well, isn’t that big of him? Uh, no. Sounds like a blatant act of self-promotion to me. Fucker. Speaking of which, Nicole Kidman was going to be on. I just had to be patient and wait.
After the commercials I was expecting to see Jay sitting at his desk, preparing to introduce the lovely Nicole. But, no. It was time for some sketch comedy: Celebrity Jeopardy. I have to admit, I really enjoyed this idea — four years ago when Saturday Night Live did it. This version was, well, uncomfortably bad. How bad? See for yourself. It’s actually featured in the highlights section of their Web site. But in case you don’t feel like downloading the clip, let me give you the gist of it: Bad impressionist in creepy makeup plays George W. Bush. Overweight actor plays Clay Aiken. And the obnoxious Gilbert Gottfried plays Sponge Bob Square Pants. Needless to say, this was excruciatingly unfunny.
Finally, after that weasel Dennis MIller does a “surprise” walk-on to promote his show on CNBC and sign the motorcycle, Jay introduces Nicole Kidman. She was as lovely as ever. But guess what. She was also fucking boring.
Jay, do us all a favor. Don’t wait until 2009 to retire. Do it now. Please.
<insert applause>
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