As you know, there are a lot of benefits that come with home ownership. And I just discovered a new one today: upscale junk mail.

See, instead of your usual you-may-have-won bullshit, you get these plain white envelopes with scary words on them that say stuff like “Important Mortgage Information Enclosed” and “Financial Information Inside” from places like the “Mortgage Fulfillment Department.” What’s worse, the paper inside is pink. And we all know that when it comes to business-oriented mail, pink ain’t good. It’s bad. Very bad.

Which means, I have no choice but to open it. So I do. Every time. I mean, what if it was really something important? How would I know?

Mortgage insurance? Shit, do I need that? I don’t know. Maybe I should look into it. After all, they promise to pay off my mortgage in the event of my death. Plus, if none of the benefits are used by the end of the mortgage term, I get all my premiums back, tax-free guaranteed.

Of course, additional premiums may apply. But isn’t it worth it to not burden my family with my horrific mortgage payments? These people are so nice to do this for me. I don’t know how they even make money. I better fax this form over tonight.

There. I just signed my name on the dotted line. Now, I’ll just feed the paper into the fax machine, and. . . Oh shit! I did it again. I mixed up the fax machine with the paper shredder. Why do I keep doing that? Damn! Damn! Damn! I am such a dolt. I don’t deserve to own a home.