Handicapped Drivers

I was driving down the road, exceeding the speed limit, when my progress was suddenly retarded. The car in front of me was travelling at an excruciatingly slow pace. And when I say slow, I mean slowwwwww. I wasn’t even sure this vehicle was actually moving. But by using the parked cars on the side of the road as a measure of speed, I was able to determine the velocity of the vehicle at somewhere between .18 and 2 MPH.

As a concerned citizen, I immediately wanted to know what might be troubling this driver, and I expressed this by exclaiming, “What the fuck’s your problem?” That’s when I noticed a familar permanently-seated stick figure hanging from her rearview mirror: the handicapped parking pass.

Well, that explained it. Or did it? I mean, let’s say this person actually was handicapped. Does that give her the right to drive like a moron? Don’t handicapped people have to take a driving test like everybody else?

Come to think of it, what does the handicapped parking pass really mean? Is it just for people who can’t walk very well? This one seemed to be for someone who couldn’t drive. Either that or she was mentally handicapped.

Then I started to wonder about how she became handicapped. Was she born that way? Was it a tragic rollerblading incident? Did she defer on her loan payments to Louie “Meat Cleaver” Vinzini? Or pehaps her life was changed in a more obvious way: by driving like an idiot.

Comments 5

  1. Annamatic wrote:

    “I park my car/In the handicapped spaces/Whle handicapped people/Make handicapped faces/I’m an asshole.” (Denis Leary)

    I’m so retarded about driving that while learning to drive a standard transmission a few weeks ago (just now, at nearly age 29) I managed to drive the car forward into a ditch, then reversed it in even further. But I did it with perfect clutch timing.

    Posted 18 Jul 2004 at 2:06 am
  2. Smivey wrote:

    I stopped driving a manual transmission four years ago. And I don’t miss the “freedom” at all.

    Posted 19 Jul 2004 at 6:45 pm
  3. boredhousewife wrote:

    I’m laughing too hard to comment. besides, you said it all.

    Posted 19 Jul 2004 at 10:35 pm
  4. smivey wrote:

    Laughing at handicapped people? bhw, you should be ashamed. :-p

    Posted 20 Jul 2004 at 5:57 am
  5. Steve wrote:

    Consider this: there are more checks and balances to get past before getting that handicapped pass than there are to reproduce.

    That’s right, literally any moron who can figure the process can make a baby. At least the idiot with the pass figured out how to sign their name on the form.

    Posted 21 Jul 2004 at 11:50 pm

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