Well, after battling with my stomach for so long, I decided it was time to actually start exercising again. You see, being the svelte man that I am, I don’t have much motivation to hop on a tread mill or lift anything heavy. I mean, look at me. Okay, you can’t look at me right now. But if you could, you’d know what I was talking about. Suffice it to say, I’m a fucking bean pole.

So I knew I needed to exercise, but how was I going to do it? I could get myself one of those home gyms with all those rubber band loops for resistance, but I don’t have the space for such a monstrosity. Free weights? Sure, I’ve got a set of those. Who doesn’t? I even have a low-end stair-stepping thingamajig. It’s a lot of fun — for about two minutes. No, when it comes to exercise, I get bored easily. There was really only one option left: cycling.

Yeah, I used to be a hardcore cyclists. Not one of those dorks with the mirrors on their helmets. But I did shave my legs for a while. For those of you who don’t know, a hairless leg is the sign of a true cyclist (or possibly a transvestite). Check out all the riders next time you watch the Tour de France, not a hair protruding from those massive thighs. Apparently, the whole philosophy is that when you bite it (and you will bite it), it’s easier to clean up the wound and apply a bandage without all that wool in the way. Really, though, I think it’s just too look cool.

Cyclists have a term for riders with hairy legs. They call them “Freds.” I’m not sure why. But I’m pretty much a Fred. Because there is no fucking way I am ever going to shave my legs again. I have no idea how you women do it. However, I am so glad you do.

But I digress. Boy, do I digress. Is this a fucking novel or what? That was a rhetorical question.

So I went out and bought myself a new bike on Saturday. It’s pretty sweet. It’s what they call a hybrid bike: part mountain bike, part road bike. Usually, these bikes can look pretty gay. But I managed to find one that confirms my masculinity.

Anyhow, now all I have to do is actually start riding the damn thing. Will I do it? Or will that cool bike I purchased just sit in my living room, leaning against the wall, gathering dust? Only time will tell. Tune in next week for another exciting episode.