Are You A Loner?

Many people go through life feeling like they’re different. While some of these people were born with both male and female genitalia, others are simply loners. So how can you tell which type of person you are? Read on.

Look Down
Do you see a penis? Do you also see a vagina? Then chances are, you’re a hermaphrodite. You’re kind of a sexual freak. Hey, if you’re even halfway decent looking, you should seriously consider a career in the porn industry. Lots of perverts would love to check you out. However, you might want to save some of that money for a sex change operation (or whatever you’d call that kind of thing). I mean, let’s face it, your dating options are pretty limited. Or maybe they’re wide open. Guess it all depends on how you look at it — the situation, not that vagenis between your legs.

Library Check
Quick, who’s your favorite author? Do you have more than one? If you do, chances are, you’re a loner. When it comes to socializing, you’d rather curl up with a good book than go out and. . .well, just go out. There’s nothing wrong with that. But why not spice things up a bit? Next time, select a novel with an adventurous storyline. That way you could do all sorts of exciting things without actually doing them. Cool, huh?

Cat Check
How many cats do you have? If you had to think about that for even a second, you’ve got to be a loner. But that’s okay. Cats are cool. And when they’re not crapping in your house, hacking up hairballs and tearing up your curtains, they can be pretty fucking adorable.

Look Next To You
Is somebody sitting to your right? What about to your left? Is there anyone even in the room? In the entire house? What about next door? If you answered no to these questions, you’re definitely a loner. You may also be a hermit living in a cave. In which case, I’m really impressed that you were able to download this. But if you really are a hermit, don’t you think having a computer and a T1 line is kind of breaking the rules a bit? Just wondering.

Embrace Your Frightened Inner Child
A lot of loners don’t know what to do once they’ve discovered their, uh, lonerness…ness. They try to fight it. Maybe they go out to a party and pretend to have a good time. Or worse, they go on a date. Crazy, I know. But they’re in denial. They’re not like us well-adjusted loners who understand the situation and have learned to enjoy life to the fullest, as long as we don’t have to actually be around anybody. Rather than eat dinner with friends, we eat by ourselves. Instead of hiking with a buddy, we walk by ourselves. And instead of playing b-ball with the boys, we play with ourselv. . . Okay, now hold on. That’s not what I meant. Really. Oh, just forget it. You don’t understand anyway. Why don’t you just go out to one of your parties or something? Frankly, I don’t care what you do. Just as long as you leave me alone.

Comments 3

  1. boredhousewife wrote:

    that was a fantastic post–i would say vintage smivey! if this is what we’re going to get in exchange for your buzznet addiction, then i’m all for it.

    Posted 08 Jun 2004 at 6:00 pm
  2. Smivey wrote:

    Thanks, bhw. I was suddenly inspired. Let’s see how long that lasts.

    Posted 08 Jun 2004 at 10:30 pm
  3. a reader wrote:

    It’s funny, that Lou Reed song has been going through my head for days: “Leave me, leave me, leave me, leave me, leave me alone” … except I was was actually thinking of the Soft Boys’ version of the Lou Reed song…which proves I am the ultimate loner because I live by covers of Lou Reed songs nobody has ever heard of by cover bands nobody has ever heard of.

    Oh yeah, before all you ultra-cool other lo(s)ner(s) out there jump on me, I am aware that you probably own “Street Hassle” on vinyl (I just have it on CD) and that the Soft Boys are “one of the most respected New Wave bands of the 80s” (according to Trouser Press or Creem or some shit like that). So fuck you and leave me alone.

    Posted 09 Jun 2004 at 3:38 am

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