What can Brown do for you? I’ll tell you what Brown can do for you. They can make you stay at home all fucking day waiting for a goddamn package to arrive because the shipper was too fucking cheap to use FedEx. Better yet, their Web site will claim that a delivery attempt was made, despite the fact that there was no notice left on your door and there is no evidence that anyone tried to call from the intercom.
But the benefits don’t stop there, my friends. Call Brown’s toll-free number and an automated voice tells you to speak the tracking number. Read it too fast, and the voice interrupts you and tells you to repeat the number again. And so you do. Very. Very. Slowly. (In between curse words muttered under your breath.)
Finally, after about ten minutes of frustration, you end up pushing “0,” where you’re quickly connected with Steve, a friendly Brown employee who has become quite skilled in the art of apologizing. He informs you that they can redirect your package to another address, but that it’s too late to make the change for tomorrow’s delivery. However, after they fail to deliver it once again, they will gladly see to it that it gets to your desired destination on Monday. Oh, thank you, Steve. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Thanks to you, I still have one clump of hair left on my head that will remain there until the next time I deal with your stupid fucking outdated delivery service. And that, my friends, is what Brown can do for you.
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