Too busy to catch The Rose Parade this new year? Let me summarize it for you:
Okay, we start off with these two girls holding a banner that reads “The 2004 Tournament or Roses Parade” (just in case you weren’t sure you were watching the right parade). They’re wearing next to nothing and freezing their asses off and wondering how the hell they’re going to make it through the entire parade route. The band that follows plays the shit out some famous tune. And of course, it sounds like shit.
Speaking of shit, the next thing we see are a bunch of senior citizens on horseback. They’re wearing these glittery cowboy outfits, just like they did in the Old West. Their horses majestically trot by, evacuating their bowels so that the subsequent marching bands have something to stomp their feet into and smell for the rest of the morning.
The first float comes by. It features two people doing some kind of trapeze act, but they manage to squeeze their concept into this year’s theme (Music, Music, Music) by blasting some Brian Setzer tune and naming the float “Swinging In The New Year.” The announcer explains that the trapeze is coated with dried chrysanthemum petals and cornmeal and that it was all glued on using nothing but the semen from a wild grizzly bear. The co-host pretends like she’s impressed and glances at the clock.
A sponsor’s logo is superimposed on the screen since the parade is “completely commercial-free.” The host reads a “message” from the sponsor. Remember, this is not a commercial.
Some “star” from the WB sits with his family in a classic car from the 50s. He has a microphone and after promoting the shit out of his mediocre sitcom, he wishes everyone a happy new year. What a charming man.
Another fucking marching band blares its way by. A float breaks down while trying to navigate a turn. Of course, it’s that goddamn trapeze-act float. What the fuck were they thinking? More shameless plugs and promotions. And then, like four hours later, it’s finally over. Or so you thought. They immediately rebroadcast the entire parade, just in case you missed something. At which point you switch over to HBO2 to find their showing the movie Drumline for the umpteenth goddamn time this week. Terrific, just terrific. Happy fucking new year.
at least there is no stinking musical numbers , or rockettes, like the macy’s parade.
I hate that parade. Show me floats, dont show me david schwimmer singing “put on a happy face” on top of a giant pumpkin, or the cast of West Wing doing a tap number in front of the Guggenheim dressed at santas.
it’s a parade it’s about floats, damn it, not how many celebrities you can get to embarrass themselves for scale.
Curse the networks for turing it into a variety show when you MIGHT see a float an hour crammed next to the Kraft sponsored dance segment by the cast of 42nd street.
blah!
I hate all parades. They are so plastic and over-fake.
The outlook for today’s parade is dispair and dissolution.
Happy New Year – but screw the parade.
I have to work today, so it’s more “crappy new year”. I missed the parade, had no intention of watching it, and that’s just fine with me. In any case, happy new year, Smivey. You know what my “resolution” was? Not to screw up my life in any gigantic and far-reaching way. Hopefully I can stick to it.
Wow! Thanks for the summary. I couldn’t watch because I’m a vegan and a flower-an.
Growing up in Mexico, parades were usually military parades. Except for the occasional religious procession.
Do they place the horses in the front of military and religious parades also? Or is that just a secular commercial idea?
thanks for the rundown, i was inside with the covers drawn and pillows over my head.
Add A Comment