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The Dangers of Patty Cake


I spent Thanksgiving day at my aunt’s home in Santa Monica. Everyone was invited. Well, everyone but my dad and my step family. My cousin brought along his recently-adopted three-year-old Chinese daughter. To protect her identity, we’ll call her “Baby M.” Wait a minute, that sounds like some kind of depressing made-for-TV movie. Let’s call her “Maggie.”

I was amazed at how friendly Maggie was. She’d run up and say, “Hi!” Then she’d stand there with a big smile on her face until you returned the greeting. She’d even climb up on the couch to sit next to you. A few seconds later, she’d get bored and climb down to sit with someone else.

She also had a favorite game: Patty Cake. Not the more sophisticated version where you alternate between hands and clap between each pat. She basically just scurried around from person to person, smacking palm after palm, sometimes choosing to smack both of your palms several times before moving on. She was so adorable, she even managed to get a grump like me to use the word “adorable.”

In any case, we all reminisced, watched a funny-but-preachy movie (Bruce Almighty), stuffed ourselves like turkeys, then waddled our way back to our cars. I went to bed that night feeling pretty exhausted, but otherwise in good form.

The next morning wasn’t so nice. I had that tickle in the back of my throat. And my stomach wasn’t happy. I started to think: What did I eat last night? Was it the acorn squash? The crab sushi? The shrimp cocktail? No, it had to be the Patty Cake.

I mean, think about it. Maggie wasn’t just smacking my hands. She was smacking everyone’s. And when you pat one person’s cake, you pat the cakes of all the people she’s patted before (or at least within the last thirty minutes).

So, the next time a little girl or boy decides to start a game of High Five or Patty Cake with you, have fun with it. But be sure you use plenty of hand sanitizer. Because what may first appear like just an innocent game of smacking palms, could actually be germ warfare in disguise.

You know, come to think of it, maybe it was just the shrimp.

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