We’ve all heard it said before: “Hey, don’t beat yourself up over it.” A figure of speech, right? Apparently not. Here are the steps toward proper self-abuse:
First, go on a shopping spree. Be sure that no matter what you buy, your purchase is placed in one of those large, fancy bags with the rope handles. You must have at least three large, fancy bags for this project.
When you get to your home, keep all the bags in your left hand, then open the door with your right. Now, here’s the important step: In one quick motion, attempt to slip inside your home with the bags and close the door behind you. At least one bag should be left stuck on the other side of the door.
Turn around and assess the situation. You may feel tempted to open the door and remove the bag. Don’t. Instead, give the rope handle a good, hard yank. This should cause the door to come flying back at you. After the door has bounced off your forehead, stand there in a daze for a few moments and ponder how incredibly stupid you are.
I hope that you have as much success in beating yourself up as I did. But before proceeding with this project, it is important to note, it really fucking hurts.
4 Comments