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Will Ferrell

I just finished reading this month’s issue of Esquire, and all I can say is Will Ferrell has some fucked up teeth.

I mean, I thought I was in desperate need of some dental work. But, shit, this guy surpasses me by far. You’d think a big star like Ferrell would go through the pain and agony of getting his teeth fixed. But apparently, this is not the case.

Me, I’m missing three teeth: two on the top, one on the bottom. My sadistic orthodontist had them pulled over fifteen years ago and I never got the bridge work done. So, yeah, when I smile real wide, I look like a fucking jack-o-lantern. But at least my teeth are straight.

Will? That’s another story. His upper teeth seem perfectly fine. But that bottom set? What a nightmare! It’s like Ol’ MacDonald’s Farm in there (here a tooth, there a tooth, everywhere a tooth-tooth). Seriously. They’re not just crooked. There are actually teeth behind teeth. You’d be like, “Hey, Will, you’ve got something in your teeth… Holy shit, it’s more teeth!”

I can only imagine what it’s like to clean teeth like that. Flossing? Forget it. Too dangerous. You’d get lost in there. It’s like a goddamn forest of teeth. Like some ancient ruins in danger of collapsing. Tombstones in an old graveyard. A picket fence after a landslide. You get the picture.

Then again, maybe Will is just the first sign of an advanced race of humans. And two hundred years from now, someone will be writing a rant about how hilarious Citizen #204-45-234X is: “Only one row of teeth!” Will Ferrell. Funny guy. Even funnier teeth.

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