Will Ferrell

I just finished reading this month’s issue of Esquire, and all I can say is Will Ferrell has some fucked up teeth.

I mean, I thought I was in desperate need of some dental work. But, shit, this guy surpasses me by far. You’d think a big star like Ferrell would go through the pain and agony of getting his teeth fixed. But apparently, this is not the case.

Me, I’m missing three teeth: two on the top, one on the bottom. My sadistic orthodontist had them pulled over fifteen years ago and I never got the bridge work done. So, yeah, when I smile real wide, I look like a fucking jack-o-lantern. But at least my teeth are straight.

Will? That’s another story. His upper teeth seem perfectly fine. But that bottom set? What a nightmare! It’s like Ol’ MacDonald’s Farm in there (here a tooth, there a tooth, everywhere a tooth-tooth). Seriously. They’re not just crooked. There are actually teeth behind teeth. You’d be like, “Hey, Will, you’ve got something in your teeth… Holy shit, it’s more teeth!”

I can only imagine what it’s like to clean teeth like that. Flossing? Forget it. Too dangerous. You’d get lost in there. It’s like a goddamn forest of teeth. Like some ancient ruins in danger of collapsing. Tombstones in an old graveyard. A picket fence after a landslide. You get the picture.

Then again, maybe Will is just the first sign of an advanced race of humans. And two hundred years from now, someone will be writing a rant about how hilarious Citizen #204-45-234X is: “Only one row of teeth!” Will Ferrell. Funny guy. Even funnier teeth.

Comments 15

  1. Glovia wrote:

    That’s pretty funny, the part about, oh more teeth. Actually, it’s called JUT (junked up teeth), if you’re looking for the medical term.

    Posted 24 Nov 2003 at 4:20 pm
  2. Smivey wrote:

    JUT, you say? I’ll make a note of it. Check out the photos in Esquire to see exactly how fucked up his teeth really are.

    Posted 24 Nov 2003 at 6:04 pm
  3. Mango Monkey Boy wrote:

    Once I watched “A Clockwork Orange” on a really big screen, and let me just say that along with the usual trauma associated with that film, there was the additional reinforcement of the stereotype of British people having really fucked-up teeth.

    Posted 26 Nov 2003 at 3:39 am
  4. Norton wrote:

    Not having teeth where there once were teeth is a misrepresentation (I’m just saying).

    Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 6:34 pm
  5. Smivey wrote:

    I think having teeth where there were no teeth is more of a misrepresentation.

    Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 7:13 pm
  6. Norton wrote:

    But if there were teeth before and there are not anymore, then not having them is a misrepresentation.

    Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 7:26 pm
  7. Smivey wrote:

    Even if the teeth that replace them aren’t real?

    Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 7:33 pm
  8. Norton wrote:

    It’s the appearance that matters… sheesh, don’t you know anything? Appearance, Smivey, appearance.

    Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 7:38 pm
  9. Smivey wrote:

    I guess I don’t care anymore.

    Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 7:39 pm
  10. Norton wrote:

    okay. :)

    Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 7:46 pm
  11. CJ wrote:

    Check out Anchorman – Legend of Ron Burgundy.

    There are tons of closed up of his face (he’s an anchorman), that’s actually what it led me here “Will Ferrell has fucked up teeth”. His lower teeth looks like the tombstones at a graveyard after the rise of zombies.

    Posted 01 Sep 2011 at 2:37 am
  12. smivey wrote:

    Wow, a comment that isn’t spam. Thank you. Love the movie. Hate the teeth.

    Posted 01 Sep 2011 at 6:21 am
  13. billyb wrote:

    i havent laughed so hard in so long. this post is ridiculously hilarious. damn my insides hurt. “it a picket fence after a land slide” BWAHAHAHAHA

    Posted 05 Aug 2012 at 8:49 am
  14. ManderPander wrote:

    Yeppers. Honest to God 2 minutes into Anchorman led me here also. I was like no way those teeth are real with all the money he makes. WTF?! Blechh!!

    Posted 01 Mar 2015 at 1:13 pm
  15. Smivey wrote:

    Thank you for the comment, ManderPander. I mean that. I haven’t seen a real comment on any of my posts in ages.

    Posted 01 Mar 2015 at 7:48 pm

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