Smivey Confessional #1,987,463

Walking into my favorite country-style restaurant, sitting down in a booth, turning to speak through the wicker partition.

Smivey: “I like musicals.”

Woman: “Excuse me?”

Smivey: “I’m a heterosexual man, and I like musicals.”

Woman: “That’s nice. Have a good day.”

Smivey: “I’m not talking about that pussy shit by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Or that hack work by Baz Luhrmann. I mean the good stuff.”

Woman: “Uh huh.”

Man: What’s wrong, babe?”

Woman: “I don’t know. This guy won’t stop talking about show tunes.”

Man: “Hey, buddy! Shut up, over there.”

Smivey: “West Side Story. Now, that’s a classic. Great choreography. Brilliant songs. Good storyline…”

Woman: “He’s still talking. Make him stop, Brad.”

Man: “Dude, knock it off.”

Smivey: “You know what my favorite is? My Fair Lady. Based on George Bernard Shaw’s play Pygmalion, this jewel has it all…”

Woman: “Brad, switch seats with me.”

Man: “Motherfucker. I’m gonna kick that fruit’s ass!”

Smivey: “With such hits as Get Me To The Church On Time, The Rain In Spain, and of course, Wouldn’t It Be Loverly.”

A large man, wearing a shirt two sizes too small for him, approaches me from the booth next door. And, of course, I begin to sing.

Smivey: “All I want is a room somewhere/ Far away from the cold night air/ With one enormous chair/ Oh, wouldn’t it be loverly…”

Man: Dude, are you fuckin’ mental?

Smivey: “Lots of chocolate for me to eat/ Lots of coal makin’ lots of heat…”

He grabs me by the shirt and yanks me up out of the booth.

Man: “For the last fuckin’ time. Shut the fuck up or I’m gonna punch yer goddam lights out!”

Smivey: “Warm face, warm hands, warm feet/ Oh, wouldn’t it be loverlyyy–!”

That’s all I remember. I woke up about thirty minutes later, strapped to a gurney, with an I.V. in my arm. For three days after that, the only thing I could smell was dried blood. I don’t know why I keep doing these confessionals.

Comments 7

  1. Glovia wrote:

    Pretty funny Smiv. Weird though if it actually happened.

    Posted 21 Nov 2003 at 3:45 pm
  2. Smivey wrote:

    That’s nothing. You should’ve seen me the time I went into my rendition of Song of The Major General from Pirates of Penzance. Two cracked ribs and three swallowed teeth.

    Posted 21 Nov 2003 at 4:18 pm
  3. Sean wrote:

    I hope that this is your imagination running wild. If this was real you should of crack the m*ther F*cker over the head with the plate of spaghetti that you were eating.

    Posted 21 Nov 2003 at 6:17 pm
  4. Annamatic wrote:

    I’m a big old musical dorkfan myself. I was actually in several, my apex being the role of Ursula in “By Bye Birdie”. I have way too many Broadway soundtracks for any healthy person.

    And I wrote a parody of “The Major General’s Song” for my senior year writing portfolio. It was…..amazing. Pure art.

    Posted 22 Nov 2003 at 3:43 am
  5. Mango Monkey Boy wrote:

    The Music Man
    Paint Your Wagon
    Showboat
    Porgy & Bess
    Guys & Dolls

    These are just a few of the musicals liked by me, an equally hetero guy. And no, I can’t really share this with my fellow hetero guys over football, beer, and cracking walnuts with our foreheads.

    Posted 26 Nov 2003 at 3:57 am
  6. Norton wrote:

    I like show tunes. I know not so masculine with a name like Norton, but I do like my show tunes. I’m completely hetro.

    Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 8:44 pm
  7. Smivey wrote:

    If you say so.

    Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 8:45 pm

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