In an attempt to anger seventy-five percent of the U.S. population, today’s topic is dedicated to those who believe the larger the vehicle, the safer. Let us first begin with the facts: SUVs (or Sport Utility Vehicles for the uncool) are large, unweildy beasts that are about as capable of high-speed maneuvering and emergency braking as the “tanks” by which they are often described.

These metal behemoths not only endanger the lives of those cowering inside, but those unfortunate souls who still operate vehicles driven by only two wheels. So why are they so popular? For one reason and one reason only: Vanity. Yes, it seems that today’s moms and dads are more concerned with the way they are perceived by their peers than the lives of their own offspring. They know that mini vans and station wagons are much safer forms of transportation for their loved ones. But driving one to work just isn’t cool.

And so, they choose these top-heavy monster mobiles (The larger the better), decked out in chrome, and laced with every luxury one could imagine (Is that a Playstation? Cool.). Make them wider (Fuck you, I’ll take as many parking spaces as I want). Make them higher (Was that a speed bump? No, I think it was a Miata). Just keep cranking ‘em out. Because America loves SUVs, and gosh darn it, they’re gonna drive ‘em. Tank-Driving Pinheads, you suck.