Arising early one morning, I went to the refrigerator to grab my usual breakfast peach. As I was carefully spritzing the fruit with insecticide remover (an act that would later be found to be quite ironic), I noticed out of the corner of my eye an unusual shadow moving briskly up the wall. I turned to investigate, and was shocked to discover a tiny army of ants marching their way towards victory. Apparently, they started their mission early and planned a sneak attack through a tiny crevice behind the electrical outlet. Each troupe had its orders: infiltrate the refrigerator, attack the sink, investigate the garbage receptacle. I was surrounded. But I stood my ground.

Armed with a box of deadly bait and a spray bottle of orange-oil kitchen cleaner, I commenced my attack. I placed the bait in strategic places as if I were planting land mines, and sprayed the kitchen cleaner at the troupes with the rapidity of a machine gun. Soon, the army was reduced to a pool of unrecognizable shriveled up balls and the kitchen was mine once again.

Or so I thought.

Later on, I discovered a few stragglers on the ceiling, perhaps on a reconnaissance mission to account for their losses, or maybe they had revenge on their minds. No matter. I dispensed with them quickly and went about my day. But I soon discovered that those pesky little insects hadn’t just invaded my kitchen, they assaulted my mind. Every time a slight breeze moved a hair on my leg or my arm, I would flinch and think, “They found me!” But nothing was there. I became so paranoid that I had to jump in the shower and rinse out my hair and scrub my body till it was raw (no, not really. But it sounded cool, didn’t it?).

This morning, I awoke to find new recruits making their way out of a different wall socket, far away from the bait mines I positioned on the kitchen counter. They had been strategizing overnight and had a new plan: “Avoid those fucking baits. Stay close to the wall, men!” Where are they coming from? What do they want with me? I may never know. But they are relentless little bitches, I’ll give ‘em that. Ants suck.